Trans anxiety – priority shift

Why am I not crazy worried about new job abroad currently? Short answer: basically, all the hassle you go through as a trans person makes you forget/sideline the other stuff that non-trans people are fretting about.

Take me preparing to live abroad in a couple of day’s time. My main concerns are:

  • Taking my meds and needles in cabin bag
  • Taking an STP through security and customs at airport
  • Sharing a room with an unknown cis-guy for a week
  • Bathroom situation abroad

These are things that i’m researching as much as possible, and getting prepped for. I get highly organised, I anticipate snags and print out evidence and back-ups. I find out my rights and try find trans people who have been in simular situations.  It makes me take a step back from the other “common” stuff to worry about when doing something major and I think:

well, tbh, as long as I can get the trans stuff sorted, I can deal with anything else

Setting up internet abroad? Finding the nearest supermarket? Setting up a bank account? Ordering dinner in a different language? Fine. I’ll do it somehow. It might be messy, it might not all go right. But I’m so used to having to deal with hidden surprises (thanks to all the complications of being trans) that it take A LOT to phase me now.

It’s not to say I don’t have nerves and stuff, it’s just…I can’t focus on everything at once, so I have a good distraction – a puzzle to solve as long as I am organised and logical about it all.

I’m having fun trying to pack.

Check luggage: I want to pack about 30kg.. I have 23kg.

Hand Luggage: I want to pack about 10kg..I have 7kg (with 2kg of that taken up by meds)

I am utilising pockets like nobody’s business. I look like gadget boy trying to shoplift.

Gadget boy

Had to visit the nurse briefly yesterday cause got freaked out by a load of goo coming from a stitch area on my chest whilst changing the micropore tape. I mean A LOT of stuff came out and left a small hole. Naturally I was concerned about an infection or something, but nurse reassured me it’s fine. Reminded me though that I still gotta be careful with my nips, even 2 months after surgery.

Anyway, so it comes to the end of an era for this blog. No more weekly’s. I’ll get the odd post in when I can and see how it goes. Hopfully this is not the end, just a shift in schedules.  **waves**!! 🙂

 

 

 

What do I feel?

Am I…..

  • Excited
  • Nervous
  • Frightened
  • Hopeful
  • Happy
  • Trepidatious
  • Sick

I could try cover it all with the word “emotional” but the thing is, I think my head is too confused about what it feels so I don’t (yet) have strong emotions running around. I don’t have the brain power to even get close to envisaging what my life might be like in 3 weeks time. Different.

I’m trying not to sweat the trans stuff. I’m going to read situations as they come, and tell people i’m trans if I feel comfortable doing it. Tbh, where I feel I can, I want to let people know, because I feel it’s part of my identity, and not saying can feel a bit like holding back. It can make me more nervous, because I hate the idea of them finding out accidentally in a way out of my control… I think that’s more awkward to deal with.

Saw the GP who has helped me loads in the past few years with sorting out transitioning and other stuff, and they gave me a nice boost, reminding me that these days, people are likley to be pretty blasé about the whole trans thing. No more appointments for anything before I leave now..ekkk.

My last normal blog will be next week, after that it will be spaced out and a bit random i’m afraid. I will be starting my journey and dealing with LOTS of stuff. I hope I will continue to post here, if just so there is another blog out there showing trans people that it is possible to travel and do what you wanna do… (well, hopfully I will feel this after living abroad for a while). I mean ofc i’m not going to rock up to Saudi and go round telling people i’m trans etc…but some stuff that seems like it might be too complicated, well, it’s all to do with mindset and accepting that there WILL be extra hurdles to jump, and that’s OK, it can be done.

And a quick thank you  to nath1809jones for nominating me for the Liebster Award :-). Currently too busy to write and pass on award but hopfully in the coming months will do!

Now, back to trying to make 26kg of luggage magically become 23kg….

Trains Trains Trains

Snooooowwwwww!!! 😀

It’s been snowing a tonne here, which has been a great distraction. Been going out

Home snow (4)

walking around the neighbourhood, kicking up the snow and just enjoying the new scenery. Going to do a Shackleton today and brave the elements to walk into town and see a friend. At least this snow did not come till AFTER my trip down South, talking of which….

I almost lost my arm this week on a train. Exciting stuff. I was sat in my booked aisle seat 30 mins into journey, when the person booked into the window seat boarded the train. Thing is, they were so big they took up a seat and a half. Turned out they really should have booked both seats.  Note: I have nothing against people who are obese etc, and this guy seemed nice enough, it’s just the situation was not — great. He wedged onto the seats, and tried to cram up. I edged in the 1/2 seat next to him. The next hour and and half was not fun. He started to fall asleep and “spread” so a large weight crushed my arm and I started to loose circulation in it. I wedged it out, he woke up. He crammed up a bit more. He fell asleep, he spread, I was crushed. I wedged out. REPEAT x 20.  Finally, 15 mins towards the end, I got out the seat early and just stood by the doors with a far-away look on my face.

Journey back the train, my thoughts:

Ahh, least journey back can’t be worse than journey there…

Person in front? With a pissed off newborn baby. GREAT.

One ear bud broke so I only had sound in my right ear. GREAT.

I am travelling again on Saturday to see my brother and partner – hoping that train journey will be a bit calmer – if it’s not cancelled/delayed due to snow!

Transition stuff

More hair!! Facial hair is really getting going. The “older” hair has gone dark round my chin and ‘tash, and the new blonder hair is spreading all over my cheeks. Still dabbing on Minoxidil every so often, really don’t know if it works. I’m trimming every 2/3 days. Still have not had a proper close shave yet.

I found out the other day I had grown out of several of my shirts. My shoulders are now too broad and biceps to big (def not complaining) for them. So I took a tip from a trans forum online and checked out the “boys” section of clothing in a local supermarket. Walked out the supermarket with shirts at half the price of adult ones!! :-D. Haha, turns out a 15-16 y/o shirt is a great fit, and it’s 2 for £6. It’s easier to find my size in “teenage boys” then it is to find it in the “mens” section. I recommend it if you are a shorter/smaller sized guy!

 

London and shout-outs

I was in London on Monday getting my visa sorted, and it reminded me of how “country” I am compared to big city folk. I wince at the price of a bottle of coke or a simple sandwich, feel awkward doing the “vacant” look on the tube, get in the way of loads of people whilst trying to figure out on google maps where the hell I am, and just generally look like a total tourist. All the new and loud sounds and sights left me exhausted and I could not even go to park to chill because it was drizzling ALL DAY.

My visa stuff only took 5 mins, but I wanted cheap trains so was left with 8 hrs to drift in London. I ended up in the Museum of London for a good 2 hours (1 hour looking around, 1 hour using their free wifi whilst rationing my £2.60 “large” coffee the size of a thimble). I also looked round about 15 souvenir shops, each looking more tacky than last, trying to find a “UK themed” cuddly toy to take out with me. Guess the cheapest for a mini cuddly toy? £9!! I think I would rather knit one thanks.

The rest of this week is slower, saw a friend for coffee which was nice, packed some more of my bag, i’ve been learning more Japanese and researching a lot. This weekend i’m off on a Sushi making course (Xmas prezzie from my parents) which i’m excited about – cause I get to take a load of sushi home! :-D.

Top Surgery/transitioning

It’s now over a month since top surgery, a nice milestone to reach. Healing is still going well, had a peek at my nips again this Wednesday. Can’t wait to get the micropore off, but still have 2 months to wait. But only 2 weeks till I can exercise, woooo!

Forgot to mention that my T levels have increased in the past few months to in the “normal” range. Basically, Nebido is making my levels higher than Testogel ever did, showing that all forms of T are not equal – or at least our individual way of processing them are not. I think the higher levels are a reason for my facial hair grow being on a major pulse atm. Also glad i’m not on testogel due to a major shortage in the UK currently – which is forcing people onto the stickier Testim gel version.

Talking more generally, i’ve found it refreshing recently to hear from more transguys willing to talk about the straight up facts about transitioning, especially some stuff which is harder to talk about.

  • One was a video by a guy on youtube “ElectricDade” who often does pretty deep talks. It is a talk about masculinity aimed at transmen, and I think it speaks a lot of truths about the pressures faced by transmen from many areas of society, both within the transgender community and outer circles. I think it’s a great talk for transguys just starting out transitioning to listen to, because it warns of the dangers of being lead into “proving your manliness” and how you can end up really being a type of man you are not, and actually being a not-nice guy, if you are not careful. I could talk way more about this, but I think the video covers it great. Worth a watch. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdrBUcFEneI
  • The second was a blog by “Cairtheand” documenting top surgery. Personally I know this is a hard thing to decide to do (and one that I ended up talking about, but not photographing) because it’s so personal. And much much harder when things don’t go exactly as planned. But that is what makes it so valuable to be out there online, so other transguys considering surgery don’t fall into a trap of thinking everyone has one surgery that goes perfect and is walking topless down the beach in 2 months. It’s a big surgery, and many people need revisions, emergency fixes, and have to wait long stretches of time for things to settle. It’s good to hear Cairtheand is healing well now, and a link to that page is: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/45317063/posts/1773598312

 

Anyway, long post, but now off to watch some Altered Carbon and play some SimCity, adios!

A mix

It’s now 1 month before I leave for Japan. And it’s been a pretty slow week.

Tomorrow I have to drive a 6hr round trip to see the gender clinic. Feel a bit stupid but I think I did the right thing. Basically, I know that if you don’t see the GIC/refuse to see GIC for so long, they throw you off thier books, and if you wanna come on again you join the end of the 2.5 year queue (welcome to the NHS).

So, I messaged them saying I was due an appointment cause I’m going away soon. After some to-ing and fro-ing I got an OK time appointment. Then the next day I was like “ah shit, I wonder if they do telephone appointments?” Turns out they do, but now (just a day later) they were mysteriously all full. Great. So off I will go. Worth it in the long run I suppose, cause if I just go away for a year, then at least I can come back and see them soon.

Chest is healing really well, it’s 3 weeks, coming on 4. I change micropore tape once a week and get a good peek at the nips. No pains, and def think this last surgery was worth it, I like the results more than after 2nd surgery. Too early to tell “final final” result though, will have a better idea in about 3 months.

London Bridge

Getting really fustrated atm at just wanting to get stuff done, feel like i’m hanging around the starting line and keep getting delayed. Trying my best to keep positive though and keep mental health in check. I go to London next week to sort out visa stuff and i’m meeting a friend down there for half a day as well so will be nice to catch up and wander round the city.

I have decided to experiment with keeping this blog going, just on a reduced basis once I leave. It may be hectic for a while though. All “hectic” means as it stands is “baking an apple crumble for a family meal on Saturday” hummm, think my definition will change soon. Soon hectic will be juggling several classes, trying to deciper complex characters on a daily basis, meeting millions of new people a day, and just generally being like a deer in headlights.

Until next week!

 

 

 

Future of the blog

Hey,

I’ve been swaying back and forth recently about where I am going with this blog, and how I can keep it enjoyable (e.g. I don’t want to start becoming like “ahh, it’s Thursday.. better write my blog..sighhhh”). Part of me is wondering if it is coming to a natural pause. My main focuses have always been, right from the start:

1) Mental health – mainly depression and anxiety

2) Trangender – mainly the process of transitioning

These days, yes I still flip around with my mood a bit, but within the “average” range I would say, not diagnosable as depression. My anxiety is still a challenge but since leaving mental health care services and coming off medication it’s become more of a day to day thing, no big advances and stuff.

Transitioning wise, well, I’ve just had the last of my revisions on my chest and, at least for the next year and a half/two, I don’t have any surgeries lined up. Testosterone is still working it’s magic, but at a pace that requires gaps of months and months to really notice.

I feel like i’m moving on to something completely different now, heading off to Japan. All my thoughts, worries, excitement, nerves, etc are based around that topic. Thing is,

I dont want to move this blog away from it’s founding topics

To me, this feels like my MH + transition story board, and many of my followers on here I know follow because of interest in simular topics.

So, i’m thinking my options are going to be either:

1) Stop the blog, at some point before I leave (next month). In this case, I would intend to come back to the blog in the future if/when I make any big movements in transitioning OR I feel I have a lot to talk about on the mental health side.

2) Continue the blog with a post every month or two. In which I would talk about being transgender in a foreign country, and the challenges associated with that. (i.e. I would not make it into my “day-to-day” life working abroad blog).

I think once I start my new job abroad, I will be more excited about regularly writing about that, the country, the general challenges, and so a weekly post here will no longer be the fun and release it has been for the past 3 years (ish). Anyone have an opinion on what they think is best? Anyone got an interest in hearing about tackling trans stuff in a new country (option 2)?

Anyway, for now, I gotta sort out more paperwork, buy more stuff and write a list of things to pack. See you next week 🙂

The mind set for moving

It’s strange how you can live 30 mins away from friends and relatives, and not see them for months at a time, but just knowing they are there means you don’t really miss them. However when moving to live on the other side of the world, give it 2 weeks and not being able to see all your friends and relatives hits hard. I suppose this is amplified by the fact that its naturally a time where you really want support. Everything is new, strange, hard to fathom and being strong all the time is exhausting.

I’m trying not to get too deep into how I will deal without knowing comfort is a drive away/a shout away/a walk away. A phone call is all I will have, with a bit of skype. It’s funny, when I went to live in Wales for University, I did not see my parents for months at a time at points…yet I knew I could afford to pop on a train (3.5hrs) and go back for a weekend whenever.

Japan will be…not a train ride away! More like a bloody big plane and several train rides away, and give or take a day or two! It’s now “next month” I head off. Shit.

Next month I will be on Japanese soil, on a teaching visa, ready to start a job in front of classes of kids expecting me to produce fun and interactive lessons for them. Shit.

I’ve come from a place of severe anxiety. So much I found it hard to be in a room with more than one person I did not know. Sometimes it was too hard to go to the shops, and talking infront of strangers was near to impossible. Now this….

Thankfully anxiety has slowly been retreating, with a lot of effort on my part to keep mentally strong and face situations head on. And transitioning has helped. That’s another hurdle I will be facing in Japan. Transitioning in a different country. Thankfully I think medically I am sorted, it’s just other stuff like how to deal with onsen (hot spring baths, naked) and public bathrooms, gym changing rooms, showers, sharing rooms etc.

At the same time as all this, i’m excited. I feel like i’m finally getting back into “exploring” and opening myself up to experiences like I used to try do as much as possible 5 years or so back. Often the toughest situations give the best opportunities to develop and grow as a person, and give the best memories. I just have to remember that when i’m in the centre of the storm!.