Hide or seek?

I think I have danced around a line in the past couple years between:

  1. Wanting to be an active member of the transgender community and be out there so people can’t be ignorant about trans people and make up negative judgement’s pulled out of thin air. Also to connect and support other transgender people going through transition or just coming to terms with their identity.
  2. Wanting to fade into the background and live a stealth life, because after all the months and months waiting for changes to occur so I am not misgendered, it can seem conterintuitive to go round letting people know I used to be percieved as female.

A weaker third point is the feeling I get that if I do bring up transgender stuff with friends and family, especially with any regularity, it can seem a little self-centered. Although I also think that is me still getting used to talking about myself and opening up with others after a number of years with heavy social anxiety. These days I try to really interpret conversations with others to find the true meanings or vibes behind them…Is someone getting something off their chest? Are they showing they are sad? Are they looking for affirmation?. 

And I have to remember that as a listener, I like hearing about other people and their stories! So if I wanna make it interesting for others, I need to talk about stuff connected to me, and my story(s). As long as I don’t give a lecture for half an hour a day on the size of my biceps I think it will be OK.

Currently, I think I have one foot on either side of the line. I like this blog, and documenting transition, and chatting to transguys on online forums. However I am in control of who I tell/what I tell to others, especially new people I meet – an 9 times out of 10 I won’t be telling someone I am trans when I first meet them.

Anxiety

I AM OFF ALL ANXIETY MEDICATION!!!!!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooo

I first started taking stuff for anxiety and depression back in 2012, and have never really stopped since. Now, the only thing I take in a morning is a Vit D tablet (due to sunlight constraints of living on a dark, windswept small island in the Northern hemisphere just off the Atlantic Ocean). So far, so good. I still have some in store just incase I notice myself drifting backwards again, but i’m determined for that to not happen. I never really thought about coming off the anxiety meds, I just accepted it was long term. I was never bothered about having to take them, because in the end of day it was helping me. It was more the organisation and cost that became annoying after a while. So if anything it’s a bit like a surprise! (wake up, tab…oh, no tablets!) and coming off was not half as hard as I thought it would be, maybe because I was sensible and slow about it all! (I’m one clever tortoise)

Life

I see the consultant next week regarding a revision to my chest surgery – I really wanna get booked up asap so hoping to come out with some fixed dates. For now, 毎日日本語の勉強しています (everyday I am studying Japanese).

Here’s to hoping you notice the face hair explosion in this months comparison pic!

Comparison Pic: day 28 vs day 672 (week 4 vs week 96)

2 thoughts on “Hide or seek?

  1. Hi, I’ve been following you for a while (blogwise). I’m glad you are transitioning ok. I’m trans and just started the process. I’m in the States. I have my 1st appt in Feb with a LBGT doc. Hopefully after 3 appts I can start hormones.

    Like

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