Eat, sleep, work, repeat

OK, not gunna lie, work is getting me down. I ache and itch and cough and drag my legs around for the shifts, imagining how i’m just gunna turn round and run out the store and never come back. I smile at people who are rude to me, including adults who wanna vent somewhere so feel the right person is the shop assistant on minimum wage at their local chain store

“I’m sorry the item you are searching for is not in stock, for this is obviously my fault. I went round this morning taking it off the shop floor, jumping on it, pouring paint on it, ripping it to shreds, then feeding it to a pig. I deeply apologise for the inconvenience. Would you like to shout either “F***ING DO IT THEN” for me to re-order the item, or “GO TO HELL” for you to grace another store? Thank you very much”

I count away the hours by a hidden stash of fruit pastilles (1 pastille for every hour) and have now taken to bringing Japanese kanji in to memorise on shift.

Life is becoming boring, repetitive and about survival. It’s dark by 5pm, it’s colder and i’m becoming a bit disillusioned with England, the people of England, and basically the whole concept of what people are striving for and wanting to achieve in life. I stand around at work sometimes thinking “how have we created this?”. Millions of people like me working in artifically lit boxes all day, stacking items made by people half way across the world also in big boxes, being brought by people who have to spend most their life sat in some box somewhere else to afford it.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE IM NOT TRAPPED IN BOX ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

So many people spending the bulk of their life doing stuff they don’t enjoy. I can understand why people feel they need to, that they have to. It’s just. Depressing. It’s like a big machine that’s been created that we can’t stop – at least not as individuals. ANDDD STOP. Ok, i’m getting too deep. I think i’m trying to understand humans, and I’m not sure if we can fully be understood.

I’m working 9-6 today. I always have anxiety before work. I feel stressed and have a tight knit stomach. Thankfully, despite greatly reduced medication, I am not having panic attacks or getting stuck not being able to go out the front door.

Maybe next week will be better…maybe?

I also need to find time to enquire about my teaching job in Japan, as I still need to fill in a whole bunch of forms and things are going quite slow. I somehow need to fit all the trans-medication stuff around that.

On a lighter note, I was watching “Blue Planet 2 by David Attenborough last night and they had a basically FTM fish! It lived it’s first 10 years of life as female, then enzyme changes in it’s body make it transform into a male fish, which it lives the remainder of it’s life as! OK, so a bit different if you are looking at gender vs sex, but close enough for me to be like “I totally relate to you my fishy friend!”

 

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