Earlier this week I made a pact with myself. ‘You will go swimming at some point this week‘. So on Wednesday morning I dutifully set off with my brand new, never worn before trunks (expect for modelling in my room and trying to get used to the feeling of being topless) and new goggles to the local pool. It’s been about a year and half since I last set foot in a pool. I used to love it.
Nerves were high. A good point about this pool though is it has individual changing cubicles – no open areas to change. So I paid and went and stood in one of those and breathed. And breathed. And changed into my trunks, turned round to open the locker door and … froze. My biggest anxiety point was my chest. It is still slowly healing, with the “pinched” look around the areolas, my nipples are also quite big, and the skin is a bit slack as it re-attaches itself. I dithered for a bit then just had a “F*** it” moment and opened the door, shoved my stuff in locker and went out to the pool area.
Oh my god.
There were tonnes of people. I overheard the lifeguard saying it was unusually busy. Thus far I had been covering my chest by pretending to reach up and clean/wipe my goggles for about a minute and I knew I could not do that much longer. I had an obstacle course of trying to get round 2/3 older people then jump in a lane – but which lane? They all had people loitering at the end. I panicked. I fast walked back to the cubicle, locked the door, and just stood there again, teetering on the edge of going back home. I knew though, that if I did not go in at that point I would not go in for ages later, and I really need swimming to give my knees a break from the gym.
So I (pretend) calmly walked back out, still “cleaning” them damn goggles. I kept my eyes on a target lane, the closest one, and just walked not looking around and jumped in. I was then high fiving myself in my head and jumping around in circles whilst on the outside looking “serious and focussed”.
After that the actual swimming was great. I noticed a tug on my chest every time I pushed off so I did not do that too hard, and my swimming stamina is shocking compared to what it used to be but I enjoyed just doing lap after lap. It was coming out that I was anxious about. I bobbed across all the lanes till closest to exit then kinda shot out. I was so happy with myself I even tackled the communal shower. I got my shower gel and just went in and faced the wall whilst showering. So now swimming is on the agenda each week 🙂 . I might not have a “bulge” and I might not have your average male chest but this should not, and from this week, does not, stop me swimming!
I saw the GIC last week, which was a trek and a half, with 7am till 6pm travelling with just 1 hour of appointment in the middle. I missed having the nice sausage or egg or bacon sandwich I normally get when I’m there, I just did not have time to sit down and relax!
Start of appointment was strange:
Consultant: “So you have been referred to have top surgery”
Me: “Erm… I have HAD top surgery.. over 3 months ago”
Consultant: “Oh.. that was fast! We are slow at writing up the notes currently”
I basically had to update him about it all which I thought was a bit poor really considering the GIC are the main point of call about my trans care.
The appointment went OK, I am now going to be starting Nebido in May when I have my next blocker injection. I asked if Nebido made you bald quicker, and he said no, it was all hearsay, and no evidence to show it at all. He said at least in this clinic the rumour might come from the fact that everyone starts on gel, normally for at least a year or two. Then for convenience they switch to injections. Then there hair is receding more, but that probably would have happened if they had stayed on gel, because at 2-3 years that just happens to be a natural time for the hair to start receding anyway (if it is going to).
He then gave me a warning that I should never get complacent about Nebido levels, as they often creep up over time if your not careful. Then some complicated talk about levels and working out figures between peaks and troughs etc. I stay on gel for 6 weeks after taking my first injection. He also said I can learn to self-inject if I want, he said there was no problem with that. Over all I am happy that I am switching. I just hope I take to Nebido OK and I can get relativly stable on it.
Comparison Pic: Day 14 vs day 427 (week 2 vs week 61)