I am in the thick of:
- A hell of a lot of work, which I don’t even know if I am doing right
- Searching for a house for two months
- Sorting out a house dispute
- Going to various meetings
- Sorting out travel and going for a gender appointment (GIC)
- Working though anxiety booklets with CPN
- Trying to sort out dissertation stuff
- Trying to stay healthy and exercise and eat non-crap
- Trying to remember to buy in food and drink
- Doing the washing, cleaning and keeping on top of paperwork spreading round my room like some kind of 22nd century super virus
- Trying to remember to pay bills and sort out subscriptions etc.
- Sorting out blood tests, ordering meds, booking GP appointments
- Learning Japanese
And for the first time in a while i’ve just had a few “f*** it” times, where i’ve just thought, “I can’t do all this, I want out”. It’s such an easy option. When everything is squeezing down on you and you can’t mentally or physically balance all the stuff you are meant to be balancing, and curve balls keep hitting you every other day.
It’s been a tough week, and it still is.
I see my supervisor today. Not looking forward to it. I’m anxious about the whole meeting and feel totally unprepared and not-ready. I am no where near done on a draft plan. This is negative. I will stop.
I am seeing the GIC this week though, albeit with a 4 and a half hour journey each way. I am looking forward to changing to injections (unless the doctor puts me off it) amongst other things. And sorting out my low levels, although changing to Nebido might just sort that out straight away. These appointments are like gold dust, and I never forget there are huge numbers of my fellow transgender community in the UK desperately just trying to get the first step into the door of a GIC.
Still going to the gym, early morning. I am not sleeping so good now so am awake anyway at 6 ish and normally have been for a while. Starting to see “gains” (god I sound like keen weight lifter, really I am not) on my shoulders and upper arms. I also cycle or run like hell to try get all the stress out of me. Acne on arms just seems to get worse and worse. Hairs on face are still developing, i’m sure that has sped up since top surgery. Talking of which, I am enjoying the tape being removed from my chest. It feels they are actually healing better now with the ability to breathe and dry out. For the first time yesterday it was hot and I was walking through town, I took my hoody off so just had a T-shirt. And it felt so good. So so good. Just walking on a hot day with a light T-shirt against my chest.
Back to the present. I’ve found time to write this, I NEEDED to find the time. It’s like writing therapy. I just wanna let my guard down for a second and not feel I need to jump straight onto the other urgent things on my “to do” list. Argggggh.
Comparison Pic: Day 1 vs day 420 (week 1 vs week 60)