When all you want is a vacuum

Socialising, socialisng, socialising, ARGHHHHHHHhhhhhhh    *SELF-DESTRUCT*

It is the week of 9-5 lectures/discussions/coffee-meets and field trips. It is the week of constant brain bombardment, where it is all I can manage just to stay put in my chair, not run out the room and hide in a dark, quiet place. Thankfully the lectures are recorded so all this stuff I am not taking in so well I can listen back to again and again at home. And I now have a dictaphone so I can record some field trip stuff. It’s just really hard to cope with all the talking to people I have only just met (they are people only doing this particular module) in big groups and trying to make it look like I am enjoying myself. Also one of them has my old name which for some reason gives me a little jolt of “!!?” every time I hear it called out, like someone is trying to talk to me.

I have learnt a trick so as to not draw attention to myself in discussions. I wait till I find out what the topic is, then quick as possible slip in a short vague thought. Then I have said something, so people don’t turn to me and go “so what do you think Seb?” in front of everyone (in this situation I feel like a frozen panda with eyes going into space). It is also when everyone wants to talk so if it’s a stupid statement people just ride over it. SKILLS.

On the day field trip to the woods I drank no water all day. Well, a few sips in the morning and a sip for my tablet at lunch. And it worked, I managed not to pee all day. Which was good because there was literally nowhere good to take a pee where someone could not see you or randomly appear. (I’ve noticed that when one guy goes off for a pee, often one, two or more kinda gradually follow into the same vague area and pee together, this is a REALLY annoying habit because it means I never know when someone is going to be stood within sight of me) To be fair the girls had it tough too. Also it was raining all day. Today just a shorter trip this afternoon, still gotta watch my intake though. God this pisses me off.


I got back the results of my bloods yesterday. Found out im low on my testosterone levels. Strange how i’ve been stable on them for a year, (albeit on the lower range of normal) now suddenly I’m low even though I have changed nothing. Maybe it was surgery that affected my body? I dont know. Anyway I’m waiting till I see the gender clinic (GIC) later this month to talk about things cause it will just be a faff over the phone.

My facial hair is making progress. I know I keep saying that but one day, ONE DAY you will see it on my comparison pic. My ‘tashe especially is going great and getting more darker hairs.

I was wearing a rucksack the other day and noticed how much it hurt my back after a while. Its happened a few times now, and the straps are all adjusted fine. I was wondering whether it might be a legacy of binding for so long. Because that really tugged and knotted up my shoulder muscles, always having that tightness there. If it is, hopfully it will go away with a bit more use of the muscles with no binder now. Cause even a light bag gets really sore!.

Thats about it, now I have to go and panic about my dissertation and lack of topic, fret about this module and how I am going to do it, fret about needing a pee on the field trip and the pub we are going to afterwards, and then give up and go play runescape…

Comparison pic: Day 35 vs day 406 (week 5 vs week 58)

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