I take in a huge lung-full of air, puff out chest, and hold.
This is something I’ve started to do randomly, because I’ve not been breathing properly for the past one/one and a half years. Even with a binder on I was aware that if I thrusted out then there would be a “lump”, so shoulders slumped forwards, breaths were shallow.
- At the gym. I friggin well BREATHE. I breathe and it feels awesome. People are around me, and I don’t have to care.
- Walking around town I can shove my shoulders back and walk straight.
- I can leave my Uni room shoving on a T-shirt not having to worry about forcing myeslf into a mesh tube that bends my ribs just in case someone is in the kitchen.
- I can wear T-shirts that are not right up close to the neck as I don’t have to worry about my binder showing.
- (Soon) i can swim with just trunks on
- When I am feeling anxious and panicky and my heart starts to jump, it has the room to do so.
- I no longer have a sticky, sweaty chest and back throughout the day that never properly drys out.
Having top surgery is more than just “great I can look down and there are no moobs” it’s all the stuff that comes with it that allows me to live like your average guy. It’s amazing how quick I have got used to the change. Looking forward to the last adjustments in summer to reduce nipple size, then all is complete.
Today I have a “angst-fest” in the form of a meeting with my supevisor and guy running project that I may be doing disseration on (let’s call them PG). We are ment to be doing a site visit but the heavens have opened, Welsh style. I think it will be called off – which means maybe a meeting in supevisors room…a small clustered room.
Me. And two others. Shit.
What is worse?
- A trapped car drive for 15 mins with them both, followed by time stood in the rain talking about project, followed by trapped in car for 15 mins.
- An hour meeting in supevisors office, with spotlight on me, my questions and forming a project.
It’s like choosing between jumping into the Arctic for a swim or standing in a fire. I’m prepared as I can be (which is not that much) and I am just reminding myself that in 7-8 hours I will be on the other side. However embarrassing and however stupid I look, they will have to friggin well deal with it!
This week has been pretty quiet so far, with a lot of time to just slowly work through stuff in my own time. It’s nice before the onslaught of work that starts next week. I’ve been gyming (Can now run about 8 mins before pain starts) and starting to use some chest/shoulder/arm weights on a low setting. Slowly getting there. Enjoying watching videos by trans youtubers like Chase, TyTurner and AlexBertie.
Comparison Pic: Day 28 vs day 399 (Week 4 vs week 57)