I’ve still been struggling this week, my default mood is depressed and it takes every bit of effort to drag myself away from negative thoughts and keep going. Today Im feeling like I might be lifting out of it a little though. Writing this blog helped – it makes me see that i’m making progress.
I’ve seen my new CPN twice, yep twice in one week. I think i’m going to get on OK with them. Some statements they are coming out with are straight out of a social work textbook, and I have to put up with a lot of “positive re-enforcement” type comments such as:
“You ARE going to get through this, things ARE going to work out for you“
etc etc…. Me: *trying best not to roll eyes*. Basically stuff someone you pick off the street could say to you with the same effect. However, they do seem to be really keen on getting me moving with working on my anxiety again (like I was before I moved) and lots of different ideas have been suggested, which was a bit overwhelming but it’s nice to know.
It’s funny, having been with 3 different CMHT’s (community mental health trusts) in different county’s now in the UK I sometimes feel I am assessing the health worker and the service rather than them assessing me. I can’t help but notice simularities and difference’s in the way they work, and the kind of blurbs they come out with. As interesting as it is, hopfully this will be the last CMHT I’m with.
I did pluck up the courage to head to the gym and look round. I got a guy showing me round who was alright and gave me a brief tour of all the new equiptment they had in. That surprised me, 10 years ago when I was a regular gym goer the treadmill was a treadmill and that was that. Fast-forward 10 years to now and the new stuff has touch screens, links to the internet so you can watch movies, youtube etc, it has virtual races you can have on racetracks, and virtual runs down the beach, it can charge your phone, and track your progress through your card each time you go! Anyway, I digress…So we went back to reception and he was doing the sales talk, then said:
Gym guy: “So you would be looking at this package” *points at 16-24 prices*
Me: “Um, well no, I’m 26”
Gym guy: *pauses and looks at receptionist* “sorry..twenty…?”
Receptionist: “I think he said 26”
Gym guy: “20…..6?” *looks me up and down*
Me: “Yes, 26” *tries to do an adult looking pose for my visual ID’ing*
Gym guy: “OK…well…er… it will be this package then….etc”
Bear in mind this guy looked around 24 himself. My CPN was telling me I look at a push 17 ish at the moment, so that explains it. I find it half hilarious them being baffled, yet i’m also half on edge because I would prefer them not to know i’m trans unless it’s really nessessary. Anyway, I am now a member so I can go swimming and gym’ing when I want which I think is going to be good for stress relief. I’ve been once since and it was really quiet which was great. I need to build up to doing running and stuff though because after just a 5 minute medium jog my chest started to hurt – pangs from the kinda numb area.
I also managed to go and talk to my personal tutor about the impending field trip. This was successful (I was bricking it beforehand). Basically I don’t have to go and instead they are going to place me on a different module that the distance learners do. So I still get my credits but learning something different. This is a huge relief, not having to worry about it anymore is giving my brain some time to calm down. Reading back, it’s actually been quite a productive week. It just has not felt that way in my head at the time.
I wish my facial hair would kick in a bit more! It’s having another break where it’s lying low. My chest is healing well and areola area’s are looking more firmly in place. Give it another week or two and I might just be able to go swimming 🙂
Comparison Pic: Day 28 vs day 378 (Week 4 vs week 54)