Sometimes anxiety pops up randomly, and sometimes you can see it coming. Either way, it’s effects are just as much. I saw this coming really, it being the start of a new semester at Uni, I have been away for almost 5 weeks and I also I don’t have as many contact hours as last term.
I feel like a fish that was dropped into a tank, and was swimming around for a while thinking, “well this is pretty nice” then hit the side and panicked, swimming frantically around the sides trying to find the exit, and now am just lurking under a rock – every so often shooting out to make sure it’s still a closed loop or to grab some food.
Everything seems to scare the s*** outta me right now and I can’t get a handle on compacting down the fear. Like lectures – I can’t talk to people or I feel I stand out, I am scared of the impending field trip, of fieldwork days, of the dissertation, of presentations, of people finding out i’m trans and reacting badly, using toliets as a trans guys, to be honest sometimes just even walking down the high street i’ll be scared of something and god knows what it is. It’s like a constant undercurrent of being on alert and with a tight stomach and a windpipe ready to snap shut. It’s making it so I’m not really enjoying the course currently, I have no interest and little motivation to study. Concentration levels are low and my head feels full of a dark fuzziness. I am trying to get it sorted though, I have been in contact with CMHT (community mental health team) and I am seeing them today. The fact that I reached out to them is a positive I suppose.
I am building myself up to calling the local gym today to enquire about prices, and I have emailed the Uni about getting a study mentor in place. Maybe these aspects will help in the coming weeks and months!
I am 6 weeks post top surgery so I can start building up an exercise routine again, which is nice because it’s a good source of release. I’m going gently though because I’m still not confident that my areola area is 100% attached back on properly. I got told to take the micropore tape off if I started to get a skin reaction within the 3 months (apparently pretty common) which I am really hoping is not going to happen because I feel the tape is protecting the area from being tugged and banged which could rip it open. They are healing though, and I just need to give them plently of time to get to their final state.
Nothing new on the transitioning front. Just continuing of the norm (mostly hair)
Comparison pic: Day 14 vs day 371 (Week 2 vs week 53)