Happy T day to me! 🙂
My official start date was 22nd of January 2016. On that day, I was given a Prostap injection and given my first prescription of Testogel sachets. For the past year I have not skipped one dose (for the first month I was building up my dose from 12.5mg, to 25mg to 50mg). Here is a mini round up of the changes each month (mostly physical stuff mentioned):
- Month 1 : Excitment, hunger increased, dysphoria increased, energy swings, hot flushes (probs the Prostap) , misgendering getting to me, think face hair is getting thicker (I think this must have been me microscope looking!), spots.
- Month 2: Face shape changes, body hair coming through, mini voice crackle, “inbetween zone” so misgendering very awkward.
- Month 3: Sweat, feeling hot, muscle build up, slightly more facial whisps, body hair, voice small drop.
- Month 4: Face and body shape change, voice drops, hair increase, moods less deep and linger less, muscle definition and hunger
- Month 5: Feeling calmer, voice signif. drop, broad shoulders, hair increase, increase in weight, questions about fertility,
- Month 6: Body fat redistribute, few signs of thicker fair hair (just), more muscle gain, gendered correctly majority of time, got Top surgery referral sent off, drink more, smell more, voice gradual deepening.
- Month 7: More voice deepening, surgeon letter, calm moods,
- Month 8: Body Hair, ‘tash growing in, notice even my feet sweat
- Month 9: Facial hair, went to barbers for first time, back getting spottier.
- Month 10: More hair on arms, facial hair a little faster (still v.whispy). Hair line definitely different from pre-T. Hair on head is coarser too. Got Top surgery date.
- Month 11: Moustashe visable (just) , much spotter on arms and back. Body dysphoria pops up again
- Month 12: Top surgery, voice bit deeper, facial hair coming back quicker after trimming.
My feelings of the year on Testosterone
I can’t believe the changes T has made, and the effect it has had on my life. I still remember the first day putting on the gel, and worrying about if I wanted to stop it the next day, would the “changes” reverse! I was nervous about taking the leap into the unknown. I wanted my body to match my mind, but what kind of body would I end up with? Would I like the male looking me? Were all the transphobic/sceptic people out there right, and was I just confused and needed to stay put in the body I was born in?. Thankfully I went with my gut and my heart and took the first step on this journey. And it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I sometimes walk down the street and find myself grinning at myself and my male body.
That’s not to say it’s all good times. I’ve had to deal with being in the androgynous stage of transitioning when I want to be read as male (fine if you want to be read as androgynous, but when you don’t it’s just awkward and anxiety provoking) and it’s embarassing having to subtly give cues to people that you are male. I have had dysphoria in waves over the months attached to different parts of my body, causing my anxiety to be tested to the limit and depressive lulls have taken hold of me.
I asked myself on this blog a few months into transition, “in 5 years time, would I wake up and go about my day without thinking about the fact i’m transgender?” Well, 1 year on and I don’t yet, but I do get long periods throughout the day where I don’t think about it at all. So thats an improvment.
It’s funny, I dont think much at all about what my life would have been like without testosterone. At each decision you make, you have a figurative fork in the road, and either consciously or unconsciously you choose one and that is your life, if you spent all your time tracing back to all the forks and guessing what they might have held…. well it’s fun sometimes, but it’s easy to airbrush a made up path and yearn something that never happened and thus was never meant to happen. Yes I can think up a life for me where I was never transgender and where I live happy ever after, but that did not happen in this life. Being transgender is part of what makes me, me. Trying to pretend something is not there does not make it go away.
What do I hope for during the next year on T?
- To heal from top-surgery and probably get my nip’s shaved down a bit.
- To work my muscles again build them up.
- To swim in a public pool – just trunks on, and do this regularly
- To go to a beach and be topless
- To look at changing to injections for T
- To learn to self inject
- To grow a beard
- For my voice to lower a bit more
- To look a bit less like a teenager
- To feel more and confident in my body
- To get in a relationship – or at least go on a date
Will I still be blogging in a years time I wonder? Hopfully so, because I enjoy writing stuff each week.
This Week Mini-Update
This week is a slow one. I have finished my last exam (hopfully ever) and have had/am having 5 days without anything urgent to do. Feel a bit lost. And because I’m plonked back into the Uni town as well it’s all a bit isolating and strange – the time gives my mind space to wander into anxieties and stuff. I’m kinda floating and trying to ignore big decisions. I’ve been trying to make the most of it cause I know it will get hectic really soon, but I can’t exercise still so i’m having to walk a lot, and i’m cooking and reading and watching movies. I will hand in my top 3 dissertation choices today. Only one more week compressing left EVER. Next week when I blog my new semester would have started in earnest.
Looking back at my year of comparison pics, the ones I look most healthy and happy in are the ones where I was volunteering outside. Or maybe it’s just because that was summer? I hope I end up being able to work outdoors a lot.
Comparison Pics: Each month up till now, day 364 (52 weeks) From top to bottom, from left to right.