I write this with just two days left of term. This week has been a struggle, even with the operation (top surgery – see previous posts) coming up soon. I still feel great one moment and shitty the next.
Had a bit of a blip late last week, as the new CPN (mental health worker) that I went to see, turned out NOT to be my new CPN. It was just a duty worker who said I was still in a list to get a CPN (this is 3 months on..). I found the whole experience pretty awful tbh. I was highly anxious before going in, took me 10 minutes to gather the courage. Then the person wanted a student (trainee) to be with them, and said it was “my choice” whilst I still felt pressured because they were both there staring at me..they should have asked first before putting me in front of the student. I said no, cause the idea of trying to speak to two people…well I just knew it would not happen. Then the actual appointment, well I just could not speak. Straight after they told me they were duty I just shut down. The idea of trying to get into things with someone in an hour and I would not see them again, I just could not handle it. They were saying stuff like “why did you make this appointment if your not going to say anything?” etc, which of course did not help so I just walked. Good news is I should have my assigned CPN calling me today, finally. (just before I head back for the holidays)
I have had limited contact time as well, so more time to myself, trying to work. I am finishing off the remains of two assignments, one that I was able to shoot out pretty much at the weekend.
Ah the weekend. What a time.
On Saturday morning I thought it was be a good chance to go on a bike ride and find a nice scenic spot I had been searching for for ages. So off I went and found the spot, feeling accomplished I wandered round taking a few pictures and just chilling out…and then my iphone fell out my pocket. No big deal, done it loads of times, so I shoved it back in pocket. Was about to get on my bike and head home and I went to check the time + re-check directions back….NOOOOOOOOOO. The screen was dancing around, jumping colours and flashing and useless. It’s one of those moments you want someone next to you to scream and and share the “f***!!!!!” moment. I also realised how relient I was on the thing…navigation, time, contacting anyone. Anyway, I found my way back – being thankful that i’m the type who remembers key turning points. Brought a cheap phone to call my parents and offload my sorrow, then my Dad reminded me I should check a phone repair place before giving up on it (I was looking at referb phones on the net). So off I went into town again and 30 minutes later and £60 lighter in the pocket (+£20 for the cheap phone) I had my functioning phone back! I then panicked about wasting a day running just to get to square one and thus worked through into late evening. One of those days. From scenic calm to WHAM.
Transition wise currently things seem to be a slow stage. I keep wishing for my beard to pop out and say hi but not quite yet. I am really impressed by my gains whilst doing work outs though. My shoulder muscles and biceps/triceps are bigger, and I can do more sit ups than I used to (still struggling through the press-ups and stuck on 10). Can’t wait till I can start exercising properly again. Body hair is still getting thicker and longer at a kinda “plodding along” pace. My voice is unchanged and spots are staying under control. I’m sure my hairline is drawing back a little.
Mentally wise i’ve been a bit shaky with the transgender thing this week. I keep getting paranoid that people are seeing me as “gal pretending to be a guy” and it’s knocking my confidence a bit. I have no real reason to believe it. It’s just kinda happened in my head for some reason. It’s times like this that I wish I knew more trans people better to share the experiences with, highs and lows. I just find it so damn hard to make and keep friends.
I will try get a blog up next week, but it is the surgery week! (hence the short hair cut) so I may struggle with the task. I believe i’ve got everything I need, and now it’s just sitting tight. If there is not a post next week, then it will just be skipping the one week. I want to get a list down of the things i’m looking forward to once i’ve recovered from surgery, so thats coming soon. Wish me luck 🙂
Comparison pic: day 28 vs day 161 vs day 322 (Week 4 vs Week 23 vs Week 46)