See saw


It’s been an odd week. I have actually felt pretty damn good since the weekend.  Felt like I was dealing with things, I was getting through the tough group work situations, and looking after myself. I was laughing with people and smiling and giving myself “me” time to chill. My the new meds were working? I dunno. But yesterday everything seemed to slip through the day, my mood darkening, my anxiety rising.

Yesterday I ended up walking out of a group meeting on the edge of a panic attack. Thankfully, it subsided, and thankfully the group members were very understanding. But the feeling was awful, the thought of previous panic attacks sticks to me like glue,  I doubt it will every truely fade.

My body starts to  choke itself; the windpipe restricting, the lungs feel like they are running mini steps on the spot. (i.e. lots of action but bugger all getting done), eyes start watering and brain starts to do contrasts between “blanks” (think deer in headlights) , and high contrast vivid images that overwhelm and  bewilder. My ribs feel like they are doing a magic trick, contorting and sqeezing my chest, my legs feel like jelly and my whole body shivers and shakes.

It makes it hard to chill out when I feel another one coming on these days. The good news is I have got better at recognising when one is due to come on now, so most the time I can get out of the situation and force myself to try to walk, just walk and walk away, which seems to help. Annoyingly I have found out that I will not be getting a CPN for at least another couple of weeks (by which point term here would have finished) so basically it will only be in place for next year. I might get a study mentor helping me sooner though.

Just have today to get through will 6 hours of computer tutorials, which is not too interactive. There is buffet dinner meetins/party on for Thanksgiving for some of the Americans here this evening after computers. I have said I would go, but I’m not so sure right now. I’m feeling a bit sketchy, flinging from one emotion to the other. I really need the weekend back at home to reset again.

Transition stuff:

  • Moustache is getting very visable now! It’s pretty cool. Well, it might look rediculous but I can’t bring myself to shave it or even trim it at the moment!
  • Noticed hairs futher up my arms this week (above elbow)
  • Getting more spotty, on my shoulders, arms, little bit on face and back.
  • Testogel seems to be taking longer to dry on – maybe because it’s winter?

Next time I speak on this blog I would have attended my pre-op, which just shows how close the surgery is! I have a shed tonne of work to finish before that point though, god knows how i’m going to get it all done.

Comparison Pic: Day 1 vs Day 308 (Week 0 vs Week 44)




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