I feel this deserves the title because I have heard no one speaking of this before. My ears are getting hairy, the actual lobe hairs and at the edges I can see in the mirror. It’s so odd! You wont be able to catch it in the picture but maybe in a years time??! :-p
I’ve been really consious this week of the differences between me and cis-guys in terms of inflections, gestures and sayings. I notice how me being brought up in a female way means I am used to people responding to me in a certain way and being expected to respond to others in a certain way. Now I feel like i’m learning the ropes from the bottom again. It’s less that I want to conform to a “man” way, it’s more I need to get used to how people interact with me now.
- I get guys calling me “buddy, mate, pal, fella” etc.
- Guys are actually more physical now compared to when I was percieved as female, they will slap my back or grab my arm.
- Guys come up and talk to me in groupings…I finally figured out this was because I was percieved as a guy now. Took me a while to notice I was ending up gravitating to women because that was what I was used to grouping with.
- Guys are generally more open and expressive talking to me.
- Guys listen to me more
There is host of other little things too that I notice and it’s quite interesting I suppose, I’m one of the few that gets to see life in two gender roles. Hopfully in the future however this won’t be such a big a thing as it is now.
My anxiety has been pretty high this week, especially at the weekend, think it is coming down now though. It got to the stage where I had to abandon walks to the shops as I was getting paranoid everyone was staring at me and could see I was paniky. Also just a feeling of dread and a tight grip in my chest like preparing for something bad. And sure I am going to fail, do something wrong, not be good enough, be put in a situation I can’t get out of and be trapped. Yeh, it’s been rough, but I am on the up I feel.
Not that any services have helped. My mentor was meant to call last week and never did, so I don’t have regular appointments atm (I might email tomorrow), my CMHT assessment was delayed by an ill assessor and no new date given yet, my DSA claim had been sent to the wrong place and has only now been recieved. I have not heard from PIP yet if I need to be reassessed there, I called my current CPN the other day, he was not there, got told I would get a call back and that never happened. My Uni GP is still fretting about whether they will give me any medication here at all and were meant to call me back today, and guess what?? didnt.
So all this means that by the time I get all the mental health care sorted I will probs be heading home for Christmas!
The course is getting really interesting now though. I am working 11/12 hour days but at least it’s on stuff that grips me. It is intense. I’ve figured out all the quiet bathrooms now and when they are quietest too, this has helped my anxiety loads. I no longer regulate my water intake during the day if im on site in the buildings I know. Also winter is helping, I dont have to bind as much, just wear baggy/thick tops and get away with it. Means I am breathing better and am more hydrated!
It’s November…. and I can’t wait till top surgery now. I can say “it’s next month” which sounds great. I am trying to keep the excitment contained though! Right, this picture is better this week, I have a new lappy – although need to find a way of getting it off widescreen! Facial hair is getting more and more noticable as the weeks go on.
Comparison Pic: Day 14 vs Day 287 (Week 2 vs Week 41 )