Well what the f*** has just happened?
I’m now sat in my room in my house share, knackered after a full day of welcome talks (H&S, student services, library etc). These past days have been a real test for me, a real real test. I have almost backed out at various stages. I don’t know if I felt brave pushing onwards, or if it was just because I could not see anywhere for me to go back to.
I’m sharing with 3 women who seem nice enough, each with their own qwerks (as I have mine!). It’s a pretty peaceful house share which is nice. I’m getting used to meeting them in the kitchen. I’m finding binding much more hard. I can wear my hoody and not bind, but I get bloody boiling. So I shove open the doors/windows a lot. I was hoping that I would be able to stop binding after Christmas but online I noticed someone mentioning that my surgeon is booked up to Christmas now :-(. Suppose there is a chance that it is not true but still…
Today I met my class mates, and almost had a panic attack, twice. First when I walked into the room in the morning. Everyone seemed to be chatting, and I did not know where to walk to. So I stood like a lemon for a bit. Then sat down near some people. Eventually had a bit of chat. I wish I did not look so damn young. People keep mentioning it, one saying I looked about 13! On a course like this with a lot of mature students its hard because I get the feeling they don’t interact with me the same (at first anyway) because of it. Lunch was difficult too. Everyone seemed to be talking to someone. I really felt the effect of my poor social skills. I sat and ate my sandwich trying to look calm whilst having sweats and waves of panic tightening my chest like a boa constrictor. Thankfully one woman wanted help getting some items in town so I went out with her, and got to know her a bit more which was nice.
I have a full day tomorrow too, and then we are going into the mountains to get to know the area for a full day. That’s something else I’m worried about. A bus, trapped. Toilet facilities when there? On the mountain? Social. Panic. Aghhhh. Anyway. I’ll try ignore it for now.
I have had one major downer so far in the evening. I felt really shit, and worthless and incapable. I felt isolated and trapped. To be honest I get stints like that during the day too. I feel out of my depth and drowning and my neck tightens up. But I keep walking forward, and keep trying my best. As the saying goes, “that’s all you can do”. I’m really scared about tomorrow, let alone the year ahead. So lets take this an hour at a time, 10 mins at a time. So hot choc now and a bit of Star Trek.
Hope everyone is well,
Comparison Pic: Day 7 vs Day 245 (week 1 vs week 35)