The countdown is reaching its final stages. I move on Saturday.
I’m now living at my parents’ house; I have been since last Saturday as my sofa bed and main bed were sold pretty fast. I keep going back to the flat and picking up odds and ends that are left over. I don’t feel any sense of missing that place; however I am appreciative of it. When I was finding it impossible to live at home and my mental health was in a very dark place it gave me a bit of breathing space, a bit of mental health support. Though nothing helps cut loving emotions away from a place than having a total d*** living below you.
I am trying to not over-think the house share I’m going into. More just have back-up plan ready in case it does not work out. I need to know that if I find it unbearable there that I am not trapped. Because I know if I feel trapped my mental health will start plummeting. So I am going to ask the Uni to let me know if any of their “quiet postgraduate” hall areas become available throughout the term/year. Just in case.
From what I’ve seen online, not many transgender people have too many problems at Uni with transphobia. This gives me some comfort, along with the fact that the Uni have a set of gender neutral toilets…albeit just the one. I’m glad that i’m going in autumn/winter as it means I might be able to get away with not binding much round the house, just wearing baggy tops should suffice. Then of course I hope to be having top surgery in December, fingers crossed***. A bit annoying that the Uni is much further away from the surgeon than where I have been living here! But hey, it’s not impossible.
*** That has had added complications, with the gender clinic originally telling me that they were going to cut off ALL care for me, and my new area might not take it on. That’s hormones, visiting the GIC and monitoring of bloods, and top surgery. I think I have got round this by not changing GP, just being a “temp patient” at the GP in my University City. The main problem with this is that I won’t get a CPN (mental health nurse) in the University City. Basically no regular doctor and no proper structured mental health care. BUT If I don’t get any transgender health care then I won’t want to go to Uni anyway!! Even if I got T but not the surgery then my mental health would suffer much much more.
It’s a catch 22. I need to confirm everything in the next two days but I can’t see how my GP would be able to refuse me to stay here as my “permanent GP”. My PIP and ESA might get f***ed up by this but seriously…my transition is so so so important, more than anything else. I’ll definitly have an update on this next week!
I’ve been surprised by how few lows I’ve been having (so far). I have a new approach with them where I don’t resist them or pretend they are not there. I let them flow through me, with the idea that they are also free to flow away easy too. I apologise if that’s a bit too zen for you, i’m a bit experimental these days.
My next blog will be once I have moved in and started welcome week in earnest. I have spoken to the landlady and she sounds lovely. I have a jam packed diary for the Wednesday and the Thursday. But I hope/aim to post on time. Thank you everyone for your words of support, it means a lot. In fact in the past few weeks I’ve had amazing help and advice from people on the online transgender community, and mental health along with others leaving kind comments. It really has made me feel like there are great people out there to be found 🙂
Comparison Pic: Day 7 vs Day 238 (Week 1 vs Week 34)