I first accessed secondary mental health care (i.e. referred to services) in the summer of 2014. Which you could say is not that long ago, but it feels like an age to me. Since that point it seems life has been some messy scrap just to keep standing. I also feel I’ve changed more as a person in these past two years than I did in the 5 years previous (excluding transition changes). I’m not sure if the “me” 3-4 years back would understand the “me” now. I suppose that’s how life works though, we gain experiences and it shapes us, shifting our ideals and thought processes.
I’m starting to feel now like life is still a scrap (as always) but I seem to be standing more solid on my own two feet. However, I still appreciate the care that is in place around me. I have people I see regularly, people I can always talk to, and people who are helping me with my thoughts and anxieties.
So what if I get into Uni? What if I go within the month?
All the mental health care gets cut off. Snap.
Yep, I can go register at a new GP, and if I need it get re-referred, and go on a waiting list (which I would probably get through by the time I am ending the University course) and then have assessments and then maybe get a CPN (community psychiatric nurse).
I would like to think that I won’t really need to do that. I suppose the problem is more me having trouble letting go of the support I have here. Regardless of Uni or no Uni, it’s making me think more about how I have come to expect a safety net. I have not had a proper crisis in a while now but I have comfort in the fact that if I do there is a care plan in place that would spark off rapidly. And even better I know everyone involved, and they know me.
Thing is I can’t live all my life knowing that I have a safety net. 1: because I’ll never learn to trust myself truly, 2: because it’s restricting. A price you pay for the support is that you are tied down to a location and, in a rough sense, people always know where (ish) you are and how your mood has been recently.
Getting into University would give me a jump start out the system, no gentle fade out. 3-5 years ago I would have said “never” about going back to studying, and would have been more cautious. But know now I have to risk losing something, probably a lot, to be able to move onwards and upwards. If I can’t get my head round that, I get stuck going in circles forever.
Transition – Transgender stuff
My muscles are becoming defined and bigger with a bit of work on the weights, which is really helping broaden my shoulders. I’m hoping it will also shape my chest; a bit more ready for top surgery. My moustache is coming in great guns, and I’ve had a few comments on it recently. Hair around my body just grows and grows like I’ve established a new habitat in the tropics. I’m getting used to sweating and smelling more, feet sweat is a new one though. I think my body is still slowly sculpting a new figure; it’s just really slowly so it’s pretty hard to tell week on week. My voice has had no noticeable changes in a while now, but I suppose what I just said previous applies.
As you can probably already tell no news on University, although I have just bugged them yesterday. I was at volunteering again this week and got introduced to the “tree guy” who I am now going to be working with for a bit each week. Mainly data input on tree surveys etc. It will be great experience and will be ongoing for a while too if I don’t get into Uni. I noticed I managed anxiety really well when I met this guy. Maybe psychology CBT stuff is working? Still having trouble with neighbour (NB). I’m noting it all down though and learning to take each night as it comes.
Comparison Pic: Day 7, Day 105, Day 217 (1 week, 15 week, 31 week)