Tense, anxiety, frustration. I don’t like this flat anymore. I don’t feel comfortable here. The neighbour (NB) started playing the TV loud again at the weekend, and I told staff here on the Monday (it’s supported). They told NB again to turn it down (oh, and of course “i’m sure NB does not know that they are doing it”…) but that night it was still loud. I complained again, and again they told NB. This time, for now, it’s been going down near 10pm. But I’ve started to notice in the evenings when I go into the bedroom, i’m sure when NB hears me, they turn it right up. Am I getting paranoid? God knows. I feel really uneasy here. I now have an anti-social behaviour form I can fill in.
I get everything I need for the night and bring it through to the front room. I’ve started to tip toe if I do go through to the bedroom. I close the door and don’t go in all evening. I’ve been consistently sleeping in the front room. I get anxious that NB might play TV loud in their front room too…then what would I do? Maybe I should just permanently live in the front room. I’m managing this situation without dipping too low at the moment. I just hope I can keep managing it longer term.
No news from the Uni yet. My reference has not been sent yet so I’ve been chasing that up. I never realised just how late things could go with applying to do Master’s degrees. I mean, they can give you a yes/no pretty much on the day it starts. Of course that would make things really damn difficult for me! I am hoping so so much that my application is strong enough.
It’s frustrating that I can’t tell my recovery worker and psychologist about my application. If I do they might start talking about taking this flat away from me. Which is fine if I get the place at Uni, but if I don’t then it’s not good! I need to hold out and see how things turn out.
I’m going to London this weekend to meet up with a few old school friends. I’m pretty nervous but kinda excited at the same time. It’s going to take a lot of practice of the skills I’ve been building at psychology. Social, busy and fast paced. Argh! I’m already trying to force myself to not worry so much about transgender related problems. Notably bathrooms and getting into places in the evening/ buying a drink when, depending 0n the day, I look anywhere in the range of 14-18y/o. Oh and also binding for 9-10 hours straight when it’s in the mid 20c’s. Jesus, think i’m going to need to take extra anti-anxiety meds!
So in between high cortisone levels due to NB, waiting on a potentially life changing decision, and getting anxious about a trip to the capital of the UK as a socially anxious transgender person, I’ve been trying to fit in continuing Japanese study, helping my parents move house and researching topics for university.
One thing I am pleased about is my facial hair progress; every mm more it grows makes me feel a little more confident in myself. 🙂
Comparison Pic: Day 7 vs. Day 203 (week 1 vs week 29)