I’ve been stuck in a shitty situation this week. Ongoing troubles with my neighbour (NB) have led to me either sleeping at parents, through in my kitchen/lounge, or going totally round the bend. Worse still yesterday I did a “noise test” with staff here. NB turned on his TV and the staff listened in my bedroom to gauge the noise level. And of course, of course, of course, NB had it on a moderate level. Like NB was going to shove it up when staff were there? It makes it look like i’m blowing things out of proportion. Even with the moderate noise though, after 10pm I can’t get to sleep with that level. I have reached low points I have not been at since last year. I have turned into a nervous wreck, shaking started up again, tightening of throat and chest, waves of panic. It does not help that NB has also asked staff whether I am “a boy or a girl?“. I kid you not.
Anyway last night NB had it low after 10pm (although I was already set up for sleeping in the lounge). Can I trust it will stay like that? Well I don’t, not yet anyway and it will take me a while to feel I can relax.
A couple of days ago my Dad had an idea that could sweep me out of this stagnant pool and into a completely different situation. I could do a Masters this year. I would move, this September, leaving all this behind. Can I/could I cope with it all? I really don’t know, but I think I’ve actually got to the point where i’m willing to take the risk. A million things could go wrong (I mean I might not even get in!) but staying here another year a million things could also go wrong (some things staying wrong).
So that leads me to the here and now, I am writing this quickly, because I need to head off and write up my personal statement. I need to copy documents, talk to references, find dates, contact financing, research accommodation, Unis, statistics etc. I feel kind of sick inside, but also resolute. I know I will regret not trying this out, and if the wind picks up and sweeps me out of here, I’m not going to resist.
Comparison Pic: Day 7 vs Day 189 (Week 1 vs 27)