So i’m not in the best of places right now due to a situation I will describe in brief below:
Downstairs Neighbour (NB) loud TV late into night. Going on for 2 weeks, ear plugs only half effective. Get up courage to talk to NB (heart pounding). Knock on NB door; ask turn down from 9.30pm please. NB agrees, says did not realise. Think all is good. 10pm, TV louder than normal. FFS. Go downstairs; hear TV sound blaring through front door. Knock loud so NB can hear over sound. No answer. Ring bell. No answer. Go upstairs. Panic. Pace room. Feel trapped. Old feelings of hopelessness and fear. Call Mum. 10.30pm Mum picks up and I sleep at parents.
They say that the overwhelming majority of neighbours would be considerate and turn down noise. Well I guess this means (for the second time) I am overwhelmingly unlucky. I now don’t know what to do, but I have a meeting with staff at this place soon so I will soon be able to talk to them about it.
I wanted this blog to be on a different topic completely. But this has dragged me under so much that I had to write about it. I’m sensitive to noise as it is. This now takes up all my thoughts.
Nothing is majorly changed physically this week. I suppose what I am noticing though is how my feelings about myself keep shifting, in the right direction. Now that I can tell people see me as a male I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. I don’t have to be running a second processor all the time that creates a facade. It feels up my head to think more about what kind of person I really am and how I really feel. I feel more engaged in conversations because i’m not looking inwardly all the time judging myself and my actions. Sometimes though, that second processer does have to fire up into action. Like if I think my binder might be showing under my T-shirt, or if I state my age and I know I don’t look mid-twenties, or I go to the loos and I go for a cubicle rather than using a urinal. But it going on and off is better than 100% of the time, and it should decrease more over time.
I’m finding the Testogel a little annoying in this heat. I put it on at 8am (ish) and it’s meant to be on for about 6 hours to have its full effect. This means no shower till after 2pm. It’s been about 25-30c out, and I sweat buckets. With my binder on I feel like one of those hot damp towels they give you at some restaurants being squeezed tight. I want a shower one hour into the day, not waiting for 6! I also wonder if it’s all just dripping off anyway with the sweat. Let’s hope not.
I also spent an hour with my GP yesterday sorting out my change of NHS number, moving my old records across. I tell you what, complicated is not the word. It’s beyond. If you ever want proof the NHS system has too much bureaucracy for its own good, then just look into how records shift between NHS numbers.
Anyway, wish me luck with the neighbour situation! Hopefully I can resume with a blog that I actually want to talk about next week!
Comparison Pic: Day 7 vs. Day 182 (Week 1 vs. Week 26)