Volunteering this week was a bit of an anxiety thunderstorm. I come in later than other volunteers because of having to get a bus and not wanting to take one in rush hour. This week, it meant that by the time I had arrived, the 2 volunteers there had already paired off with staff and were helping out. Basically I was there standing like a lemon; a lemon in a fruit bowl full of avocados. “Why aren’t they asking me to help? Should I ask to help? Where do I stand? Do I tag along with one of them?” Bring on the hyperventilation! yeh! Fun times. Thankfully everyone went on a break, which left me with a while to pace and calm down.
The afternoon also brought its own challenges. I ended up with a group of staff/volunteer talking about relationships and ex’s etc. I was frantically trying to do the maths in my head of how the f*** I could bring up any of my experiences to join in the conversation. Bearing in mind they don’t know I’m trans (I think).
Maybe a time to bring it up?….
Me: “So yeh, I was with a guy, when I presented as a girl, as a straight couple, even though I know i’m a guy now, so it appears it was a gay relationship, but it was not…then.”
Or try avoiding the trans topic?:
Me: “so yeh I was with this guy…”
Staff: “oh ok, so you’re gay?”
Me: “welll.. well back then…erm.. yes?? but no?? but now? yes? no? *PUFF* —brain exploded“
Basically I did not know how to handle it so I stayed silent. Which I felt made me more obvious, which made me nervous, which made me panic, which made me fidget and scan for exits, which made me not follow the conversation at all. So yeh, a friggin heavy day of volunteering. I did not tick of much on my Psychology to-do list.
My general anxiety levels have been higher this week, waves of it coming on when I least expect it. I really don’t need them any higher so i’m trying to find a way to tell the anxiety to back the hell off.
Its 20 weeks, (kind of) 5 months now, and finally i’m starting to have a “pulse” of beardiness coming through! Slightly more on the chin than then the sides, but I actually noticed it in the mirror! It’s going to be a slow, month on month upgrade story as it thickens and patches it’s self together. Awesome 😀
I think it’s gotten to the stage now where my main week on week observations are more mental outweighing physical. No longer is my physical body doing a dramatic change in a week. In my head though, i’m still exploring and discovering where this new identity is taking me. Exploring stuff that i’m pretty sure the majority of non-transgender (cis) people don’t. I will be sharing a few of these jems on this blog (lucky you) whilst still upholding my aim to mention as/when happens the more obvious body changes.
I had my bloods taken yesterday ready for my gender clinic (GIC) appointment later this month. 4 vials of the stuff. The doctor made sure all the paperwork had “transsexual, transgender, transsexual, transgender (repeat)” written all over the place. Mainly so the labs don’t do what they are prone to do, which is to ignore any test requested which they think is a mistake because it’s not one they normal do on “X” gender. The results will be back to me in a about a week and for the first time I will be able to see my post-T testosterone levels. I’m really interested to look them; see where I am on the scale. I may have them by the time I write this blog next week. So until then, bye! さようなら
Comparison Pic, 7 days vs 140 days (1 week vs 20 weeks) — yes, I’ve just had a haircut.