I’ve been re-reading The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, and it’s got me in one of those contemplative moods. Thinking about how we are ruled by time down here on earth. And as of yet, we have not found a way to travel through it, like we do with space. It seems plausible that somewhere out there, time does not mean anything. To be honest, I don’t think humans will find a way to do it before we become extinct, but it’s a good thread to travel down when you’re lying in bed.
I linked it to my transition because it seems at the moment I am just waiting for time to pass all the time. I mean I am living life in-between…it’s just transition is a slow process and months and years float by as you strain towards mile posts. I really do try to just let go and say “it’s going to come, so just ignore it and let it come” but it’s harder said than done. In some ways I feel like that slacker at the back of the pack who has reached puberty last, way too late, and it’s even more frustrating because there is no one to blame. It’s just how it’s happened.
I am catching up a little though. My “beard” may just be a hallucination in the mirror at a certain light angle once a week but the other gains are real. I am starting to have arms that have proper contours and hairs around my body in more places. My voice is in the male range now and my face just somehow looks more masculine. OK so I don’t gain height but there are plenty of guys my height around. Fat distribution is slowly shifting but it is happening. My hips are no longer as prominent and my thighs are thicker.I sweat like a typical guy, i.e. a lot and my body temperature i’m sure has risen.
I’m starting to see “pulses” in my transition, like a normal male puberty. Things happen, than it stalls, happen again etc. It’s like my body is slowly getting into the rhythm of it now, sorting itself out. Mentally i’m finding it good. I do get moments still where I ask myself a tonne of questions. Like going through a check list to make sure i’m OK with what’s going on still, that I am not getting doubts etc.
The thing that bugs me sometimes is fertility. It’s a sadness that comes on that I will not be able to have a child naturally. It will not be simple for me. But I remind myself that it’s not only transgender (transitioning) people it’s hard for. It’s also hard for anyone who is homosexual, anyone who is infertile though any cause, be it birth defects, cancer, intersex complications, defective gametes, or environmental reasons, anyone who never finds the right partner, any many more reasons still.
That does not make me OK about it. Instead it just comforts me that i’m not alone in this. And I know many people who want children and have one or more of the above obstacles go on to have a family. It happens all the time.
On this side of things psychology turned out actually ok last Thursday. I am no longer searching for something “more” to help with the anxiety stuff. My current volunteering is enough. Major relief. And volunteering is looking good. I actually went last week when there was an event on. I stayed even though it was busy and a bit overwhelming at times. I also talked on and off to the staff. I’m hoping this is a sign that thinks slooooowly are improving on the anxiety side. I still get the feeling it’s going to take quite a bit of time working on it, but for to be going in the right direction for once is great.
Monday is 1 year since I changed my name via Deed Poll! It’s crazy where a year has gone. I remember that day having a barbie, it being nice and hot and it being a really nice day. It was also my first sign of showing I was really serious about my transition. My first legal step towards showing I am a “he” … Seb. 🙂
Week 1 vs. Week 19