I have my Psychology coming up today and god I am not looking forward to it. Saying that no matter how I feel going into it I always come out thinking it moved in a different direction to which I expected.
I’m getting annoyed with the framework of it. The need to create targets and goals so that I know for definite when I’m improving with my anxiety. Problem is as soon as I know i’m in a constructed situation, it makes me behave differently than if I were in a “normal” situation. I suppose a come-back here is going to be “any practice is practice“.
It’s hard to explain to my psychologist how anxiety and being transgender interweaves itself into some kind of complex fabric. Sometimes how I behave is pure anxiety, sometimes it’s just that being transgender and at my stage makes the situation unrealistic, sometimes it’s a mixture of both. But I feel it sounds a cop out when I say something like “well yeh, I’ll feel much more comfortable doing that a year or so down the line, which my transition has progressed“. It just sounds like me avoiding it. But I really do believe some things are going to get easier for me with time on the social side.
You can say all you want that I should just walk around everywhere and go “F*** it” about how people react to me, but seriously, put yourself in some of my situations and you would have second thoughts.
- Would you go to an exercise class, sounding/mostly looking like a guy, but with a bra with moobs? No binder as you can’t breathe right in one.
- Would you go into a men’s open changing room and just strip off and get changed?
- Would you go on group walks/rambles and go squat behind the rock whilst all the other guys are standing taking a piss?
The list can go on. But really walk yourself through the situations. Are they “do-able?” Yes. But i’m not ashamed to say that I really don’t have the stamina and guts to put myself through that week in, week out.
Top surgery can help a lot with this, and that’s something i’m aiming for. Bottom surgery? I’m not sure yet. Any surgery is a major thing to think about and you don’t go for them unless you really really need it. I research and I think, I research more. Surgery is not the answer by all means. It’s just another piece of the puzzle which is my complete self.
At least I went to volunteering this week. That went well. I actually approached and talked to a new volunteer for over 5 minutes (hell yeh!!). There is no better way to connect with people than by chatting whilst shovelling animal crap. I was busy all day which made it fly by: feeding, watering, cleaning, weeding, shovelling, and brushing. The only problem is next week there is another big frigging event on for the bank holiday weekend. Grrrrrr. It’s going to make it harder, but as always I am going to endeavour to go and then just assess it on the day. For now though, i’m happy I can say to the psychologist I’ve had some good interactions!
No transition updates this week, expect I’ve put on a bit more weight. Things are going good. Comparison pic; 1 week (7 days) vs 18 weeks (126 days):