I find this blog quite therapeutic most of the time. It makes me think through things that have been happening in the week and form a solid view on them or at least some kind of view that I can write down. Because of my social anxiety I don’t interact with people that much and therefore I don’t confide in people that much. Instead it’s an internal conversation with rare inputs of outsider perspective. The blog is an outlet of which I might not get so much outsider perspective, but at least I process my ideas like I would have to if I was talking to someone.
In this blog I am not talking to a person face to face yet I am talking to a “person”. I’m talking to you sat in front of your computer screen/tablet/mobile. It’s like my brain can’t quite fathom how to get across the barrier of face to face interaction anxiety so instead has re-routed and found it can talk on a social platform. I’m well aware that you are a real person, but sat here typing this I find your responses and reactions are easier to process. All I type is just my truth, reality, emotion and feelings towards what i’m experiencing and it is what it is.
When a person is standing in front of me and reacts to me, I can be too slow at putting things in perspective and responding how I really want to respond. With the blogging, responses are slow and if I get any feedback at all I have time to digest it and respond how I want. Just knowing people are reading and sharing pieces of what i’m going through is a good feeling, kind of like being part of a community I suppose.
I’m having a hard time at the moment accepting the high anxiety part of me. I know I need to learn to work with it and eventually control it but I feel inpatient. That old question of:
“What the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I just get on with it??”
has cropped up again and it’s hard to push away. It leads to the answer that some people say:
“Well nothing is wrong with you”,
Which then leads to:
“So how come I can’t manage to do what I want to be doing”
And there is no point trying to answer that one, trust me I have tried many times. It takes half my brains processing power just to keep that thought from stamping on all the other little thought minions that are blindly padding around my skull. Maybe i’m just on a little bit of a low with the situation; on a trough of the rollercoaster ride. It does not help that today I have psychology again after a week off it. I feel my brain is already fragile enough without being blasted for an hour or so. Yet psychology is exactly the thing I should be concentrating on, as it’s trying to push me out of this anxiety spiral I get in. Argh, ok.
I don’t want to end this on a low so 3 positive things I have going on:
- I’m still learning Japanese and have just finished the 3rd workbook in the series Im following
- I’m still going to volunteering
- I have a secure place to live for at least another year and a half.
Cool, that’s better 🙂
Right, have not spoken about transitioning this week but this is the normal comparison pic; 7 days vs 112 (1 week vs 16 weeks) :