Trans self-awareness

Will I always be aware that i’m transgender?

Nearly every day within 5 minutes of me waking up I have a thought about being transgender. It’s rare for me to reach the point of having breakfast without it popping into my mind. This is either because of thoughts about my body, situations i’m facing currently or just cause it plain and simply does.

My attitude towards my body is not really a conventional transgender one of disgust or hatred. It’s more a mixed feeling of confusion, sympathy and passive acceptance of reality. It’s like my mind just can’t grasp the reasons why my body looks how it does, but has learnt to just try chill with it and try embrace it as much as possible for what it is. The thinking patterns are shifting a little as my time on testosterone moves on. I’ve started to love looking out for muscle growth or changes to my face. My eyes seem to register something more understandable albeit a bit foreign. But of course other areas are still the same. Regardless of not feeling like wanting to say, chop of my moobs in a drunken rage, it does not mean I don’t want things changed. It’s just my way of dealing with it at the moment.

Other physical things such as putting on gel in the morning, going to GIC appointments, surgeries etc. will fade in time with just background monitoring, at least that’s the idea. So I wonder 5 years down the line from now will I still constantly have “transgender” thoughts each and every day? What does it feel like to not have to think about it? I’m already feeling the benefits of being on T and having more comfort with who I am, so in 5 years will I be totally there with just living and being relaxed as a man? Would be cool.

Social anxiety stuff

On this side of things, well, psychology has been really tough recently. You go to a session not knowing if it’s going to be great or shit and my last one was shit. Started well but fell apart after I started to feel under pressure to answer questions and explain stuff. I know its part of the scheme to try getting me used to handling pressurised situations but I feel I failed at it. I just broke down and the latter half the session was just me trying to regain composure. When I told him I thought it had been a complete disaster he said it was a great example of me “catastrophising” ha-ha. Perfect!

I was meant to work on some of the CBT ideas at volunteering but I did not go this week as it was heaving as hell and I bailed. It’s funny but the major issue in my head was not the crowds but the toilets (here is where I show my transgender brain). I still find quiet male toilets to go to, as i’m not always seen as male just yet. Yet on that day I would have had to queue to go!! Something a lot of people don’t have to think twice about and I think people don’t understand my panic or worry in some situations but it’s a real issue for me.

So not good on the social interaction side of things this week. I’m still managing to get out and interact briefly with people in town though. I’m trying to find a group walk to go on with my recovery worker in the next few weeks so that could turn out to be good. Weathers turning nice here so I will need to get out more!

Comparison pic day 28 (4 weeks) vs day 105 (15 weeks) :

 

 

 

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