A year ago today I told the first people, my parents, that I am transgender. It was followed by roughly 9 months of being pre-T and (again, roughly) 3 months of medically transitioning. That feels about right, it’s felt like a full year. I think back to how I was, and how I felt a year ago, and I am happy I am here now on this side. I have a lot to work on, but less and less now I have the feeling i’m lying about myself and who I really am.
To update you on this week’s T progressions:
- Facial hair is improving. The roughness is moving from my ‘tash to the sides of my mouth and a little on my chin.
- My voice has dropped again, I’ve noticed it this week and it’s cool and strange at the same time. Imagine speaking and a different voice coming out to the one you expected? It’s odd, I got a bit panicky yesterday when I tried to sing in a high pitch and nothing came out…. I could not reach it! I strained and had this feeling I had lost my voice. Then I just forced myself to chill a little and relax and managed the tune in what I suppose was an octave lower. It’s hard to explain how it’s exciting yet scary…it’s a mix. I love hearing the lower voice I just need to learn how to use it and get to know it more, which will come with time.
- It’s getting harder to keep spots at bay. This is mainly on my body i’m talking about, as I have a product I use on my face that seems to do the job. They are cropping up and i’m getting itchy.
- I smell. Yep.
- I’m turning into a gorilla (a happy gorilla)
- Some other stuff I don’t want to delve into on the blog… if you know what I mean then yeh, if not then let this pass over your head *woooshh*
I had volunteering again this week. Another full day of in-your-face time with the public. As a bit of self-evaluation I would say I was a little better this week at talking to people. When I wanted to say something I forced it from the stuck area at the back of my throat and just said it. And I suppose the reactions I got where not as scary as expected. I was exhausted mentally and physically (on my feet all the time) by the end of the day.
The recovery worker I am with is trying to get me to go into even more social situations like groups, meet-ups etc. Which I’m trying hard to go along with, it’s just at the moment one full day a week seems to have over-filled my bucket for “social-time” enough. I’m not used to this much interaction, it’s draining!
My interaction side is being attacked at another angle from my phycologist. The sessions are getting more and more intense and hard and I get set homework for the week now to work on. Like noting down my thoughts after social situations or my reactions etc.
I know everything is in place because I want it to be, so I can help myself and other people can help me pick up and move on out of the mental health system. I just have to keep reminding myself not to be pushed into doing things too fast. I’m drawing my own line as to where I feel I need to put myself into new situations and where I need more time to work on things. I think encouragement can easily get mixed up with guilt and pressure, so i’m staying sharp and keeping strong.
Comparison pic: Day 1 to 11 weeks on Testogel (77 days)