Piece by piece we rebuild

Morning WordPress friends,

This week has been one of subtle shifts in thinking, new phases in transition, and discovering little pieces more about what type of person I am.

It’s a whole 10 weeks now since I squeezed the first drop of testogel out of the packet and onto my skin. The first few weeks I was tentative and slow at applying it, now i’m starting to feel like an old hand. My routine is set down and I know that by the time I’ve washed my hands, put on face moisturiser, applied deodorant and put on socks that the gel will have dried and I can put on clothes. This week my ‘tash has been going great guns; I’ve trimmed it yet again. It’s starting to get that feel, you know when you brush you hand against a man’s face when they have not shaved for a few days? That roughness? Yep. I have also discovered that there are wispy hairs on my chin. It’s amazed and excited me because I thought that they would take much longer to start off.

My voice has dropped a little again, just enough to notice it. It’s funny because you quickly forget how you used to sound, so you have to watch back videos to be able to compare. And then there is a feeling of “woh, was my voice really that high?“. Other changes have been increased muscle mass yet again *picture a smiling face*, sweating more, random spots on body, face changing. Oh and random last point, I was a bit concerned because in some transguy’s accounts of their transition they stated that being on testosterone stopped them being able to cry. Well, i’m not ashamed to say that I had a cry the other day, the first in a while, and I was so glad/happy I was able to cry that it soon stopped me crying which is kind of ironic.

Life

Some of you may remember I was getting set up for volunteering the other week, with concerns about my anxiety filtering in. Well, I bloody well managed a full day! That is even with having to deal with my bus being 35 minutes late, it being freezing cold, strong gusts of wind flying through the bus stop and not having a proper rain coat. Then once getting to the bus stop having to walk 20 minutes in that weather to the actual place. You know I actually think all that helped! I was concentrating so hard on not turning into a block of ice or collapsing with pneumonia that I did not thinking much at all about the day ahead. When I got there and met up with the manager I realised it was going to be super relaxed. Basically he understood that it would take a while to get into the swing of things so not to feel pressured into talking to anyone. I spent the day exploring the place, making the odd bit of small conversation, and trying to get a grip on what the role involved. It is all out in the open, and it was not that busy on that day. I could have coffee breaks when I wanted and choose what area I went in. Tell you what, in the past I’ve been shit at praising myself or allowing myself any credit, but I actually gave myself a mental pat on the back for that day. And i’m going next week.

Family wise i’m feeling on a bit of a leveller base with my Dad currently, we are taking slow and cautious steps at rebuilding our relationship. My mum is finding these days of my transition difficult, I suppose because it’s so real now and this is the period of most rapid physical change in me. I’m learning though how to avoid and remove myself from negative reactions to my transition. It’s to protect myself, and I need to think of myself the most in this period; to keep myself happy and functioning, to embrace and celebrate my changes.

This phase of transition is an exciting phase, and I won’t get this time back. These are new memories i’m forming, new experiences and i’m not waiting for everyone to get on board with my transition to share them with me. I’ve started to realise that i’m mentally in a position now where I can take more control over my decisions… slowly, very slowly, but I have a feeling i’m heading in the right direction.

Below is comparison of Day 1 , 5 weeks and 10 weeks.

 

 

 

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