The choice to connect

I’ve been thinking quite a bit recently about how we chose to connect with this world or not. The “or not” part being us connecting instead with other stuff, be it other worlds, abstract concepts or made up fantasy scenarios etc.

I got into thinking this because there have been times in my past (and it still happens now sometimes, although not so much) when I looked forward to night time so much, not cause I was interested in the sleep so much, but because I was more comfortable and happy in my dream world. I connected more with that world then the one I was in. I had control. In my dream world I can make choices with whatever consequence I want, change them at a whim. I can have whatever abilities, I can be in calmness or I can be in battle zones. This goes on and on. It was my preferred place to be, and I spent 1/3 of my time there, so in some ways that was my preferred reality. Why is that place any less real than this place?

I think I developed such a strong liking for it because I was struggling to cope with things going on in my life, things were out of control and I lacked stability. It was like my consciousness decided to give me some respite. Every night I could leave this world for several hours and go to some other place that was always there and in which I set the rules.

As I look at things going on in this world now; the speed, the sense of urgency, noise, rapid changes, increased responsibility and accountability and lack of second chances, I find it hard to imagine that more people are not also turning to escapes in their minds. I think that is why there is such an increased uptake in things like yoga, Pilates, meditation and mindfulness. They give you time to escape “reality” and move into your head, your consciousness and explore an alternative state of being.

A problem I have is that I need to remind myself sometimes when I get like that to connect with this world too. My physical self is in this world, on this earth, and to abandon this body would mean to cut off life, which I don’t want, and least not yet (hopefully I don’t want this until i’m much much older!). So it is worth engaging, connecting with people and finding out my potential in this short time span us humans get given. Anyway, I feel I’ve gone deep enough for now. Anyone else relate to this?


I have a volunteer induction tomorrow, which i’m pretty damn nervous about. The potential is for lots of people and some who may be like “Sebastian, really?” but anyway, I suppose I have to try deal with it as best as possible. I have psychology today so hopefully I will be able to talk things though there and get some coping tips. I really can’t wait to start this volunteering yet i’m anxious at the same time, I suppose about the unknown, how I will cope, what other people will be like etc. I want to be able to stick this one out so i’m trying to get mentally prepared.

Transition news!

It’s the 7 week mark now. I have slightly thicker hairs coming through on my body. Like my legs and happy trail. Hair growing in the moustache area is a tiny, little bit darker. My voice is the same :-(. My muscles are growing, which i’m loving. I have a bit more energy now when I box which is cool, I can punch harder and for longer. My sleep is good most nights. Spots are under control which is great, the longer that lasts the better! Again, I am loving the transition. It feels right. Comparison pics: 1 day vs. 49 days below.

One thought on “The choice to connect

  1. When I was a kid I created an entire alternative life for myself in fantasy as a boy. I went there at night, and also day-dreamed there when I could. I did this all the way through adolescence and adulthood – until I was able to accept that I was trans. We all find different ways to cope with the dissonance of being trans before we can put the words together to describe it. I used to be ashamed of that fantasy life, but I’m not anymore – it was a survival mechanism and it worked.

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