Yesterday I had an “informal, brief” type interview at the place I am looking at volunteering at. And I wanna point out a few things which I feel are important:
- I went – by myself – and took no extra anti-anxiety medication in advance. I did not need it. I actually felt pretty calm during the day waiting for the meeting with only background nerves
- I walked in held out my hand and said “Hi, i’m Seb, nice to meet you”. Now for most people that will not seem like a hard thing, but with me it mixes too factors I find hard; my anxiety and being transgender/transitioning. It’s the first time since coming out as transgender that I’ve felt able to do that introduction in an important setting.
- I talked and asked questions at the meeting. I had no points where I felt my wind pipe start to restrict and my mind going blank. This has never happened before. I actually felt comfortable with who I am and why I wanted the role, which I believe made all the difference.
So a few “firsts” in that list. I’m starting to see how linked aspects of my anxiety and me being transgender are. The more i’m seeing my mind and body match, the less i’m worrying and getting worked up about how I act and other people see me. I don’t want to wish away time but I can’t wait to see how I look at say the 6 month mark!
Oh, and to let you know, I’m going ahead with the volunteering! It sounds really interesting and a mix of informal public interacting and more hands-on stuff. I have a few inductions then should be starting at the end of this month! 🙂
One thing that i’m starting to look at more and more is Testogel and what it does and how it does it. I find it amazing the total lack of research/scientific papers into the long term effects of Testogel on Transmen (not cis-males who under produce testosterone). I put this stuff on me every day, I love it cause it’s changing pretty much all my physical appearance bit by bit (powerful right?) to be more masculinised but there is a bit of a black hole in the knowledge area. How do “biologically female” bodies take to the hormone? Is it different to cis-men? 20+ years of little testosterone in the body, then wham… high levels. Do we have receptors for the hormone in different areas to cis-men? Does it react differently with our chemical make-up? Do we process it slower/faster/same? Is it riskier for our bodies because we have not been primed for it during puberty? I know a lot of transmen don’t like to think of their bodies in a female way at all, but I don’t mind as I kinda deal with my body starting off biologically female as a fact. And I have a scientific background so I have the intrigue there as well. Can anyone signpost me to any research, past or current? Would be interesting to know.
Anyway, I leave you with the comparison pick of a slightly hairier, chunkier faced me at 6 weeks!