The Show must go on

Big gap in posting.

I have not felt able to explain stuff that well recently. Things going on have felt somewhat trivial and not worth the words. I have a few things gathered up now though.

Trans stuff

I am strugging a lot with this area. My next appointment has been shunted back to late Feb due to lack of clinicians, leavin me in limbo for much longer than anticipated. Some days recently I have been thinking “f*** it, I don’t want this any more” because I’m fed up of having to rely on others, strangers, to make decisions for me, and having to wait for those decisions. I’m worried it will be like this all my life. Will I always have a knot that ties me down, not letting me go where I want, when I want, without having to ask people/let people know??

Will Testosterone achieve what I want it to achieve? If it does not, where does that leave me? Will I never feel right in my body? Will it finally let me feel comfortable? I suppose its like the Schrödinger’s cat paradox. It could be both, and I will never be able to find out until I start the hormones.

Snapshot_20151203

Mental health

I am now on increased anxiety medication, double that of before. This was after talking to the psychiatrist, who has now discharged me! yay! Seems odd her doing that right? Adding to my meds whilst letting me go? But I believe the reasoning is that she believes there is nothing now that a GP can’t manage. I’m fine with that.

My anxiety,  with the added meds and the “music annoying evil tennant man” leaving, had decreased a bit. Well, still has I think. Although I had a major blow yesterday finding out that a support worker I am working with to tackle my anxiety is leaving. This sucks. Really really sucks. She was great with me, knew tonnes of stuff on transgender/gender fluid/anything LGBT, and we got on great. We also shared a load of other interests. And now she is going. I feel its going to harm my progress, and even feel will I be able to progress now without her?

But I know I should not think like that, something/someone even better could be just round the corner. And I know not to compare the next support worker to her, cause they are not her! I guess I am just sick of uncertainty, I’ve had more than my fair share of it in life already. This is what life is throwing at me, I have no choice but to face it head on, or to “put down my shield” so to speak. This is no inbetween to lean on.

Tell you what though, I need to change something sooner than later. I need to make new friends, to find a job that makes me feel useful, to support myself, and to learn to let go of whats been done.

Not too much right?

 

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