Things are not getting better in my head!
Thing’s are tough, rough, hard, difficult, frustrating and annoying. I’ve been in a dip of bad moods taking me to bad places. I did not manage to go to the volunteering day last week, surprise surprise. This kicked off feelings of being stuck in a rut. I could not manage to social side of it. And to be honest, I felt like doing it, it was less me helping someone, and more them taking pity and helping me. I.e. they had to go out the way to find stuff that I could do, when they easily could have had it done by the normal volunteers (not the mental health group I would have been with) or workers. Anyway, its out the window now. The support worker who helped find that volunteer place for me called later in the week. The upshot is she feels I am not ready for any volunteering or work yet, not until I get my anxiety under control. So basically, as I took it, i’m so messed up there is nothing even a mental health work/volunteer helper can do to get me useful in society.
I’m now referred to a social worker type person whose job it is to break down simple tasks for me that others might find easy but I find difficult. Social interactions being the major target. I suppose it gets more complex with me because I have the transgender part thrown into the mix. Being pre-T as well it’s like standing in a Hurricane and throwing in a Tsunami to spice up the mix.
I saw my GP who not surprisingly agreed my anxiety needed more managing. My meds are increased. I also found out missing blood results that needed sending to the GIC have been sent already about a week ago, good news. We discussed my depression. I found this very hard to talk about as I am scared about the implications talking would have on my testosterone start date. She got the gist though and wants to see me again within a week. Understandably she refused to let me go to fortnightly prescriptions. So it’s a mixed bag.
The other night I had a breakdown. In the flat, alone, the guy below was playing his music constantly from 6pm onwards. I could hear it mixed in with my tv, or my music if I tried to play it. I wanted peace. I could not get it, or go anywhere to get it. I felt trapped and I panicked. I started to think about how I was doing nothing with my life, how I was weak and stupid and unable to socialise and make friends. How I am not useful and how I feel judged for not having everything together like a “normal” person. I remembered how hard things are going to be for me being transgender. So I called the crisis line. Turns out this is the worst thing a person can do in a crisis.
So, the first person who answered my phone I could hardly talk to because I was hyperventilating and distraught. He kept on repeating “I can’t hear you” in a bored voice and saying “what is it you want help with?”. No help on how to calm down or to distract me or anything. I hung up. 10 minutes later and things were not getting any better so I called again.
This time I got a woman. I manged to explain about the situation with the music and how it was making me feel. I was still incredibly upset, on the edge of a panic attack, and I got this reply:
Don’t you think you’re being a bit extreme, over-reacting here?
So here was a line for people with MH problems in crisis, telling me basically I should just not be so over the top about this. She then went on to tell me that I should wear headphones or something (all evening??? I wanted peace!) and that SHE manages to cope with her noisy neighbour and that the neighbour has every right to play their music as its their place. She then stressed again that I was over-reacting. I was almost tipped over the edge here so hung up.
Now, this lady made me feel stupid and angry at the same time. I felt crap that someone was confirming that I should be able to cope with this, because I could not. I felt angry because I had called for some support, and received none. No distracting me, trying to help me calm down, nothing.
I managed after a few more hours to calm down, but my mood has stayed low. I’m trying to distract myself trying to learn Japanese and how to use Adobe Illustrator, but I don’t know how much longer these distractions are going to hold up. I hope I get more help with my anxiety, maybe that is the first baby step forward. Or maybe starting T will change everything?