Kinda Negative

It’s a hard time. My mood is low. Negative feelings are more natural than positive. I’ve come here to write to get some of it off my chest.

It seems like I’ve been trying so hard to keep on top of things but I’m just being sucked under. Last week I was meant to go to a volunteering day, doing practical work in the countryside which, all-in-all, I did not manage. That however, does not cover the vast effort that I put into trying to go. With a support worker I actually managed to get to the venue, (albeit not in the minibus provided). After all the anxiety, sleeplessness, and panic, I was exhausted and overwhelmed and did not start the work, asking to be taken back. I frigging well tried though. I feel I have to explain that because I feel I get judged as just not being bothered to go. This is far from the truth. I wish, so much, that I could do something like this, and just enjoy it.

Then all week I feel like I have been faced with new people, the anxiety of new faces. My anxiety in general is getting worse. I feel knackered with it sometimes as I get so worked up. I’m asking my GP to up my dose of anti-anxieties later this week. Maybe this will help.

I’m already getting built up thinking about going to the volunteering day tomorrow. No doubt I will be shattered by the time I reach the venue. I’m sick to death with socialising. With the stress. I can’t seem to handle it all. I’m scared that I’m slipping into darker places again. I’m fed up with my situation. Feeling like I’m scrambling to survive. Not living, just subsisting.

God knows what I need to do to get out of this. Or maybe this is another “phase” of low that will go. I’ll see. I have the internet now, so I should be able to up-date more often.

I know it’s a negative post, so I’ve kept this short and sweet (does not seem an appropriate phrase!) No news on transitioning. It’s a slow path.


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