Flat life moves on…. then reverts back to the old.
I managed to grab a fleeting moment of bravery the other weak and let the “people downstairs” (i.e. the support staff) know about the noise situation. Yes, I broke down whilst telling them, BUT at least I did it. Myself. Since then the noise stopped after 10pm which was bliss. But last night it reverted back to old. I was on the verge of a panic attack all morning and after several cut off attempts managed to let them know about it again. I just wish each time this happened my mind did not go to such a bad place and get all drastic before I do something about it!. It’s stupid, I think about cancelling everything, moving out, living abroad, or much worse, telling myself I’m not cut out for this world and contemplating a way out.
On the transition side of things I have finally received a letter from the GIC summarising the last appointment and talking about future actions. I always find it squirmish reading about myself in such detail, like with psychiatrist notes, they seem to pick up on everything. But regardless, it all seems to be positive, and the Doctor has put me forward for a second opinion. I was a little disappointed to find the next appointment did not come with this letter, but at least I know now that they are processing things. There is also a scary consent form to fill in! Basically saying you know the risks of Testosterone long-term, and that things are going to happen that are not reversible. So there is that to consider and sign ready for the next appointment. Things are creeping closer!
I have also received forms now from my CPN to fill out to see what kind of psychology might be beneficial to me. I’ve already filled them in even though I don’t hand them in for another 3 weeks. I’m really quite interested to find out what comes out of this. I have not been offered psychology before so this will be a first if it goes ahead.
Mood wise I seem to be fluctuating more recently. I seem to get irritated really quicky for no reason. I get sad really fast. I quickly move to being fidgety and restless. I drop into an angry, black space, then a couple of hours later I’m chirpy and positive. It’s hard to keep up with. I don’t feel really at home in the flat yet. I think i’m up in the air. Maybe time is the only solution. Oh, and internet maybe! This is not installed in the flat until mid October and is long overdue!
The good thing is that I’ve been walking a lot. I’ve been out with my Mum around the area, and also my Nana and friend. Long walks always make me feel better, so lets hope I manage to keep this up. Also back to trying to learn some Japanese, which I find enjoyable. Although sometimes I can only concentrate for 15 minutes odd! But yeh, just trying to be persistent with it.
To anyone in the UK reading this, just a note to say there is a good 3 part documentary on Channel 4 currently about Transgender kids, teenagers and adults (10pm) . It’s worth a watch. It made me feel better seeing people out there in the UK fighting the corner to get transgender individuals accepted and welcome in society. It reminded me I’m not alone in this!