It’s finally arrived at the time where I feel I can talk about the last week or so. It’s taken a while because my emotions have been all over the place and I’ve had to wait for a little bit of settling to get a grip on what the real picture is.
I moved into my flat
The Monday sign up was pretty intense. I must have signed over 15 times on documents that I did not really know the contents of. From this you may be thinking “idiot!” but I’m sure any of you who have signed up to a property yourself will know the sheer content to look at is overwhelming. You have to have some blind hope that it’s all legit, a leap of faith.
After hearing 15 minutes of spiel I then had to set up utilities. I am crap on the phone. I totally lost it with the energy company and thankfully had a support worker who could take over and finish it off.
And well…it’s not been all sweet and rosy and all that.
Unfortunately I have a noisy neighbour, who often plays his music from 6-7pm to 11pm straight and on and off during the day a lot too. It’s been majorly increasing my stress and anxiety levels as I love peace and quiet and I’ve often found myself dragged into a black cloud mood. It’s makes me associate the flat with fear; my chest tightens , my heart rate increases, my mind goes into overdrive. Even after the music stops at night I find it hard to sleep.
And it’s a lonely position to be in even if my parents being really supportive about it, because at the end of the day it’s my life I’m trying to deal with, and no one else is there with me to go through it too. I don’t want to tell the staff about it (they are there during the day) because I don’t want to cause problems, and it does not go on past 11pm so I’m not sure they could do anything anyway. My anxiety prevents me from talking to the guy, plus being transgender and pre-transition makes it even more of a no-no in my head.
So, it continues. At some points I feel strong and really want to get a job to get out of this position im in, to have more choice. At other points I want to curl in a ball, take a load of alcohol or whatever is at hand, and fall into oblivion for a while.
Pre-transition is such a damn awkward stage. Even if I am perceived as male on the streets (which I only manage 25% of the time) when people hear my voice it’s a dead giveaway. I have had lots of phone calls recently with people going something like this:
Other: “Hi, oh sorry, I thought this was Seb’s number”
Me: “Yes it is, I am Seb”
Other: “Oh sorry!! I thought Seb was short for Sebastian!”
Me: “Erm… yes it is”
It’s making finding even a part-time job horrendous. If I’m having a day where I feel just about in control of my anxiety, and so can try apply/ look into a job, someone will mention something about my gender, and I will be blown off course again. I can’t wait to start testosterone. I know it’s not the answer to my problems, but it sure as hell will make me feel more comfortable standing up as who I am and confidently expressing myself for once.