There has been a bit of a gap in my blogging due to an emotional storm going down at home. It’s only now I can sit with enough attention span to write this post.
Brief summary of strong emotional events:
1) I could be moving out from my parents home into a flat nearby (which provides some low-level MH support)
2) My parents will be moving out into a house/flat in the surrounding area for a more affordable rent (11th move since I was 10)
3) I was close to initiating a “cycle to Scotland with tent” plan.
4) My Mum was close to initiating a “fly to Spain” plan.
5) I almost booked train tickets to travel down South and stay with my brother for a while.
6) I almost totally lost my mind and went through a very dark stage of not wanting to be here any more (on earth that is)
7) I cycled in my jeans, in the pouring rain, several miles across countryside to reach a nearby reservoir, brought an overpriced can of coke, then cycled back again.
8) I considered flying abroad and not coming back, then remembered im waiting for GIC appointment and came to the realisation of how serious I am about transitioning, as I don’t want to miss my appointments for ANYTHING.
I think the brief summary is becoming too “un-brief” so it will be left there. Writing this down is helping me realise that I am not crazy for feeling unable to cope a lot of the time, anyone would find it hard to handle! In between all this going on though I have had times of positivity. I’ve laughed with my Mum over nothing at all until the point of cramps, I’ve watched the entire 5th season of Game of Thrones, I’ve had a great day out in the countryside with my friend where we found a tea shop that belonged in Alice in Wonderland, I’ve seen my brother and spent time with him as “bro and bro”, and he called me Seb, annnnnnd I made some damn awesome Cinnamon Swirls with my own homemade puff pastry hell yeh B-)
There is so much to come in the next few weeks too, and it’s scary and makes me anxious. Right now im in a good vibes zone but where will I be in a weeks time? tommorow? the next hour? Nothing I can do about my future mental state so for now, it’s coffee and Maryland Cookie time.