Two major factors in my life are colliding this coming weekend.
1) My mental health
2) My transgender”ism” — (is that a word!!???)
For I am going down South, with a friend of mine, to see other old school friends. I wish I could put that sentence in scary as hell writing. In fact, wait for it…The rational part of my mind tells me I am making mountains out of mole hills.
The other part (whom I talk to the most) tells me I should be terrified. Lets take a mental journey…
1) Motorway service stations. May look innocent helpful things until you’re a pre-T transman. The toilet blocks? THEY ARE HUGE with people flowing in and out in a constant stream. There is no way I want to go in the womans area, I feel so far from that period of my life. Yet walking into the mens area (or even thinking about it sat here writing now) makes my heart beat faster than a squirrel on too much caffeine. I look neither male nor female, rather something in-between, like Harry Potter I need to walk right into the separating wall. Sometimes I consider that as an option.
2) Meeting old friends in a group situation. The key point here being the “IN A GROUP“. Social anxiety has made group meetings in the past 3 years or so few and far between. When I have been in groups, I tend to collapse in on my self. I am praying that it will be OK this time as I have known these guys for ages. But still. I have panic swelling inside me, like hundreds of little hands pulling at my diaphragm and stopping me taking breath so easy.
3) Keeping together a positive vibe. This is meant to be a happy situation, we are meeting up to have a chat, laugh, to catch up. Sometimes this makes me feel.. well, “cool, that will be great!” Sometimes this makes me feel like “shit, when is the last time I had a clear 48 hours without having a dip into the murky, thick depths of depression, or a lift into the too high to control, tension filled madness of some world I have yet to figure?”. As I write this, I am trying to say que sera, sera. I just really don’t wanna f*** up the mood!
Coping strategy so far:
1) Dress as male as possible and just walk fast and don’t look at people in service station.
2) Anxiety – take lots of alcohol. No, seriously, that’s not happening. I have nothing for this one!
3)Depression/Highs – Excuse self and go out for a walk in the park, or lock myself into bathroom for 10 mins. Fun times.
That’s all I have. Any tips?