What kind of man?

 

A question I find I ask myself rather a lot currently is:

What type of man will I become?

© 2010 Sebastian L.L. All Rights Reserved

© 2010 Sebastian L.L.
All Rights Reserved

As a pre-T (meaning: not currently on hormones) transman it’s a strange, exciting, sometimes scary question to ponder on. I find myself studying male relatives and men around town, observing their mannerisms, their physique, their walk, the list goes on.

Now, some would pipe up saying “If you were always male in your head, then surly the only thing that changes is your physical appearance” But you have to bear in mind that the freedom of actually looking male in society will give me the freedom to express my male side like never before.

Currently I find myself trying to push quite heavy on masculine traits so that I am gendered correctly in society. Sometimes with an accentuated swagger or sitting with legs so far apart like I have giant balls…Now i know all guys don’t do this, but if I have people questioning me already, it helps sway them to the male side. It’s not cause I have to, its more because it makes me feel more comfortable, less awkward.

Being on testosterone will change my appearance. One day, I will be walking round physically looking like a male. So I will feel able to prance around, cross my legs tight on public transport and even wear a god-damn dress if I so choose to, all with people still noting that I am male. But will I do those things? I really don’t know, and I don’t think I will know until I’m in that position. It will be different, it will still be me, just totally open expression of who I am. As I sit here now I’ve never had that.

Will I get heavily into weightlifting at the gym with the other sweaty blokes and start drinking protein shakes 10 times a day? Will I find I love being the perfect gentleman and dress to impress? Will I become extra laddish, sport the 4 day stubble look? Will I be a really feminine man?

Anyone reading this who is transgender and on HRT, how did you find it changed you, did you have any idea of who you might become? Would be great to have any comments!

2 thoughts on “What kind of man?

  1. Hi! I’m a guy who started medical transition 4.5 years ago. I knew I wanted to be a peaceful, compassionate, feminist man, and that has indeed happened. As a man, I’m a lot like I was before, except about a million times more happy, at ease, and confident. I would say I am a very typical Jewish man like the men I grew up with. I am masculine with a well-developed feminine side, bookish and a little shy, but bold and forceful when someone I love is threatened or when I see injustice.

    Over time, I have really relaxed in terms of living up to masculine stereotypes. I am pretty masculine in terms of presentation, overall vibe, etc. but I’m also comfortable having somewhat feminine physical and vocal mannerisms, being perceived as gay, being in a female-dominated career (mental health counseling) and so on. You are so right that after long enough on T, we are free to express androgyny and femininity while still being guys. It’s a good feeling!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, thanks for your comment. Looking forward to being at the point where I’m much more happy and at ease with who I am. Dropping the stereotypes will be a nice feeling too because it is almost like going from one type of acting game (trying to be feminine) to another (trying to be very masculine) currently. Glad your enjoying the stage your at now and being male, can’t wait to get there myself!

      Like

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