A question I find I ask myself rather a lot currently is:
What type of man will I become?
As a pre-T (meaning: not currently on hormones) transman it’s a strange, exciting, sometimes scary question to ponder on. I find myself studying male relatives and men around town, observing their mannerisms, their physique, their walk, the list goes on.
Now, some would pipe up saying “If you were always male in your head, then surly the only thing that changes is your physical appearance” But you have to bear in mind that the freedom of actually looking male in society will give me the freedom to express my male side like never before.
Currently I find myself trying to push quite heavy on masculine traits so that I am gendered correctly in society. Sometimes with an accentuated swagger or sitting with legs so far apart like I have giant balls…Now i know all guys don’t do this, but if I have people questioning me already, it helps sway them to the male side. It’s not cause I have to, its more because it makes me feel more comfortable, less awkward.
Being on testosterone will change my appearance. One day, I will be walking round physically looking like a male. So I will feel able to prance around, cross my legs tight on public transport and even wear a god-damn dress if I so choose to, all with people still noting that I am male. But will I do those things? I really don’t know, and I don’t think I will know until I’m in that position. It will be different, it will still be me, just totally open expression of who I am. As I sit here now I’ve never had that.
Will I get heavily into weightlifting at the gym with the other sweaty blokes and start drinking protein shakes 10 times a day? Will I find I love being the perfect gentleman and dress to impress? Will I become extra laddish, sport the 4 day stubble look? Will I be a really feminine man?
Anyone reading this who is transgender and on HRT, how did you find it changed you, did you have any idea of who you might become? Would be great to have any comments!