I’m starting to get a feeling of dread deep down inside me. It’s a realisation that it’s going to take my closest family members a long, long time to feel comfortable with me being male. During this period, I am in a twilight zone. No one can 100% relax around me, because always in the back of their mind they have to be alert to call me the right pronouns, the right name.
Some, I feel, mourn the past “female” me so much that it hurts them to see the present me, male. It’s like I’ve taken over the old person and for that I am a provocative sight. I often get the feeling the female me is wanted back, because she was known, a loved one, a part of the family. The male me is more on the fringes of their acceptance, an unknown entity.
Because of this I feel a deep loss myself. I can’t change who I am, I have to bear it out, let people look at me like they don’t know me any more. Try build bridges again and reassure i’ve always been this person. I find it hard though. No, more than hard, I find it heart wrenching. I am causing a storm, all behind the scenes, away from public eye. I am making the people I love hurt and ache. I am destroying a physical image they have known for 24 years. I am a problem.
I have it better than a lot of transgender people. I have a family who say they will love me no matter what I do. They make the effort to call me Seb, him, he, his. They go into town with me dressed as male. They want me to do what makes me happy. That is what makes it hurt so much when I see the affect it’s having on them. It makes me feel selfish even though I know there is nothing I can do to change it, I am what I am.
I’m trying to find transgender support groups in my area so I can talk to people but so far have drawn up a blank. Internet groups can only give so much support, in the end of the day I want someone to sit with who is going through the same stuff. The search continues…