This is a glimple at my childhood. Throughout all of this I did not realise that I was transgender. It never crossed my mind because I never realised that it was something I could be. I never knew that there was medical treatment to transition. I had played a part for so long it was hard to sort out in my head what was real me, and what was part of the play.
I am ten and the school disco is coming up. I am a typical tom-boy. My female friends are getting excited about wearing a nice dress and how to do up their hair. I want to wear trousers and a t-shirt. Like the guys. I wear a dress, because I “am” a girl and I understand it is expected of me. It’s my earliest memory of when it started to click with me that something about me was different. I started to realise that I had to pretend a lot that I was comfortable in my own skin. I assume it’s just something no one talks about, I sense it’s not something I should talk about.
I’m twelve, at Prep school. I’ve been really into swimming for years, I swim everyday. But now, puberty is happening. 4/5 days a month I can’t swim because I have not figured out how to use certain products. I sit by the edge of the pool during lessons and watch. I hate what is happening to my body. The difference between me and my male friends is become more obvious every day. It is creating a different relationship between us. I hate bras, periods, curves, boobs, having to suddenly act like I give a toss about what guys think of my looks…
I’m 14, I’ve just joined my local comp school. The first sports lesson is football, I’m excited, I love football. Its girls only, we split into two teams. I am instantly confused and frustrated. Loads of the girls scream when they kick the ball and act stupid, they don’t just get on with it many don’t want to be play sport at all. There is no competitiveness. The girls who do want to play are outnumbered. It’s futile. I look over at the guys playing football across the pitch and just feel sad.
I’m 19, its’ my first day of my first year of University. I’m in halls; a long dingy corridor with heavy doors every four/five paces. I’m doing as everyone else, trying to make friends and introduce myself. All the girls are gathered at the end of the corridor, I join.
I am not one of them. In so, so, many ways.
They wear dresses, show off curves, wear makeup, shriek at everything, they bitch, natter, flick hair. But that’s not it, I have this strong feeling I am in the wrong place, I’m almost embarrassed to be standing here. I see lads around, and envy the fact I can’t just go over and hang with them. I know they will treat me different though as a woman, even if they don’t think I fancy them, they will still perceive me differently. Its annoying. I go to my room.