The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotion. I’ve travelled to the brink and I’m still really peering over the cliff in my mind, considering my options.
Yesterday afternoon (7/6/15)
All is OK in the world of Seb. I’m feeling happy my name is now legally binding, and I’ve spent time with my brother (we don’t see each other that often). Then BOOM.
Father: “Seb, can you come through? We need to have a chat”
Jesus, it’s like one of those movies isn’t it? You know some emotion altering shit is gunna go on there, and it did here. I do not get on well with my Father at the best of times, and I find it extremely hard to live with my parents because of this. He shows no emotions and is so considered and correctly worded trying to argue with him is like trying to scratch out your own eyeballs, at some point you just scream and be amazed you’re not self-imploding.
So, when I sat down and he started to show some of the first hints of emotion I had seen in him, and it was anger directed at me, I was pretty shocked. I was told I was acting rude and in-considerate, and that I need to remember the weight of the family’s financial situation rests on his shoulders. I was angry myself at this, and I was led to believe as 3 adults in the house we were all sharing the financial decision-making, by discussing and coming to mutual agreement.
So I fought back, and opened up about my inner emotions, but my father had closed as sealed as a Swiss safety deposit box vault. I just heard the recorded messages…all the “right” things to say: duty, love, support…. words that fall short when used in the wrong context.
So I left…
My friend in town kindly took me in. Crisis line and my local CMHT proved to me how useless they are yet again, the most coming out of them in my three calls being:
“Have you tried taking a walk?”
I am stuck in a dark corner and I have no professional support. Can I go back to living at home? Should I move out and end up homeless? Can I even cope with all this? I have anger surging through my veins and nowhere to release it. I am glad for the anger because it stops me being scared. But it’s exhausting, and I feel like this a marathon I can’t finish.