Do I look happy? Exactly. I’m pissed off.
Me and my CPN (Community psychiatric nurse – for those not in the club) have not seen eye-to-eye since we met 3 months ago. Our conversations always made me feel like I was confessing sins to my gran (albeit one who loves over-use of my name), going something like:
Seb: I’ve found things really tough this week, I’ve been feeling suicidal at various points. I’m going round in circles and i’m sick of it. I keep applying for jobs but anxiety gets in the way, knocking me back and making me feel shit.
CPN: Awww that’s not good is it? Well at least you managed to not self-harm. You just need to get out there and try again at getting a job. I’m sure it will get better at some point, it just takes on little thing to change your perspective.
Now, one could argue that she is being positive here and nice. Thing is if I wanted someone who was positive and nice I would go visit my actual Gran.
Things came to a head at our last appointment, where I told her I was really still struggling trying to get out into society and get a job etc, that the anxiety was just building, and that I needed some different angle on it, something to help me solve the issue. Her advice as a trained psychiatric nurse?
“Well my advice would be Seb to keep trying, keep applying for jobs…because you don’t seem to have managed to get one yet have you?”
I was stunned. I repeated that back to her and she went with a (in a maddeningly calm voice) “you seem to be quite angry with me suggesting that Seb”. Yes I was angry. It hurt. I was hoping suggestions of:
- Maybe CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy)?
- Volunteer organisations support and help people with depression/anxiety?
Instead I was made to feel like there is nothing out there for me that can help. I am on my own and falling deeper and deeper. I needed someone to tell me that it’s OK, I don’t need to keep going through the hell of applying for jobs, exposing myself, freezing up, panic, shame, failure, hate, despair. That there are other ways, that involve me climbing over the friggin brick wall with all the right equipment rather than ramming my head at it over and over hoping one day it might just break and let me through.
So I walked
Well, to be more precise, I ran. unfortunately I was in the warren that is the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) building. There are locked and pinpad doors EVERYWHERE. So I slammed into the first I met and started hammering at it like someone possessed. My CPN approached behind me and in my paranoid state it felt like a creepy stalker coming in for the killer blow. Cue the voice so calm it was actually making me want to scratch my brain.
“That door won’t open, you can only get out this way, if you follow me Seb, unless you want to come back and sit down”
Now I’m sure you will agree, being told to follow someone you are angry at and trying to run away from is not the easiest of tasks. I involuntary started to hyperventilate whilst trying to give her the coldest stare I am equipt with. She got the message and started to guide me through 5 doors to the exit. Looking back, god knows why they feel the need to have so many locked doors, it did nothing for my anxiety. Then I sprinted, full pelt away from that building whilst trying to deal with a panic attack.
Where does this leave me? Well naturally I asked to change CPN, this was on Monday (1/6/15) and made it clear I really need one currently cause things are tough. I have called twice since and NOTHING, just “it’s down for the manager to read”. So I’m left with no support which sucks. Hence the un-happy title.