And I’m back


And just like that I pick up writing again. Things are strange at the moment for me, I feel on the edge of something, but don’t know quite what it is.

I have started a new job recently where I am outdoors all day, which is a nice change to working in retail. I’m not going to say too much about it, it’s early days and I’m hoping that I will come to like it enough to not see it as “aww shit gotta go to work” type job. It’s a jump into a career area that was never number one on my list, but ticks enough of the boxes when it comes to things I value that I felt it’s worth a shot. And if not? A job is a job, and we can always move on to other jobs. For now I keep an open mind.

I don’t have the depression which haunted me for years, I now just get dips and wobbles every so often. I meditate daily to keep anxiety under control. I don’t beat myself up as much. I use the meditation to remind myself that as a human I am inherently fallible and therefore to be kind to myself. It’s refreshing yet has left me in a strange place of not really knowing what to do with myself. It’s like I have a clarity of mind, yet don’t really know where to focus my efforts. My mind skits from one aspect of life to another:

work, social, pleasure time, family, friends, partner, house, money, enjoyment, learning, skills, health

Where do I need to focus? What’s going to make me happy? Cause I’m still not truly happy. I think I’m getting warmer, just have not yet found what I’m looking for.

I sometimes drift into thinking about my transition and being transgender. I sometimes feel a bit trapped due to societal judgement. I am not always as confident as I would like when it comes to being open about being trans. It’s not about my feelings towards it, it’s about having to be around people who will treat me differently through knowing. I feel I hover in this no-mans-land where I can’t relate fully with cismen or ciswomen. Moments where conversation turns strongly binary I can’t relate to and make me feel the pressure of not-disclosing my trans identity.

My transition physically is going well, slowly, slowly my cheeks are forming hairs, over 3 years on testosterone. I feel good when I look in the mirror, I see me, I feel like me. My shoulders are now reminder of my primate ancestors, as is my chest. I still look 5-10 years younger than my actually age. Spots are still something that needs constant attending to. I’ve bulked out a bit more thanks to going to the gym. All “normal” 2nd puberty type stuff.

Anyway, that’s all for now,

Until next time!

UK conference?

A thing hit me at Pride the other weekend – how many transgender people were present. And this is just one Pride of many in the UK. Online I see UK groups expanding every day, with so many questions and people giving each other advice. But of course you don’t “see” trans in day to day life, such as knowing if the person in front of you at the bus stop is transgender or not. I genuinely don’t think that the general public realise that they are going about their day to day lives interacting with transgender people. Opinions on trans-stuff are still formed mainly by views expressed in mainstream media – which often is poorly researched and full of inaccuracies. Pride is one of the only events were people can go “oh shit wow, never knew there were so many transgender people!”, and see a range of people from all backgrounds.

Considering the size of our community here in the UK now, I was surprised when I searched that the only national group meet we have is a relatively small one, the “Annual Brighton Trans, non-binary and Intersex Conference” (A bit of a mouthful), with has just had it’s 3rd year and is hardly advertised at all. Looking over the pond there is the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference attended by over 7,000 over 3 days now in its 17th year. Granted, we are a smaller country than America, but it still feels like we are far behind.

I’ve been transitioning for about 3 years now (I have forgotten exactly) and the more I go down this path the more I feel connected to the trans community, it’s like I can’t not be. Whether I’m active in it or not, I always find myself from time to time seeking answers to trans related questions, even if it’s just scrolling through discussion groups or blogs. Even when there are no “immediate” changes going on (e.g. top surgery) other stuff pops up about navigating the world as a transgender person, from bathrooms to security to dating to health to family and friendship. All this kind of stuff + tonnes more would be great things to have live discussions about with trans people from all across the country, with enough present to maybe create spin off advocacy groups and keep momentum going throughout the year. It would also make it so the public get used to seeing transgender topics presented with all the facts, discussing them and perhaps ditching a few prejudices about the community.

Maybe i’m wrong, maybe there is not enough people to make it happen, but if that is the case surely there will be soon – and what we do have we need to advertise more, so people actually know these events exist, I would like to attend! And if you do know of any in the UK, please leave a comment!





Back in the UK, and Pride

I’m now back on home turf, after an extremely up and down, crazy life experience of living in Japan for 5 months. Really glad to be back, and being able to talk to people in English, and see friends and family.

I went to my first ever Pride event on Sunday, Leeds Pride, which turned out to be really good. Was really anxious about going, the crowds, and what the trans representation would be like from the LGBTQ+ mix, but anxiety soon went as soon as I got into the city.

There were loads of trans flags in the mix, which was refreshing to see, and made me just feel good for once about being trans and seeing our community not have to be secretive and on the sidelines.

About 40,000 people turned out to see the parade, which was just amazing to see that many people coming together to celebrate everyone being accepted for being who they are. Made me think next time I want to get even more involved maybe.

Now i’m settling into UK life again, and trying to find a job. Trying to stay sane,

The pressure to be happy

It’s an interesting thing living abroad. Many people tell you they would never do it, not be able to cope with it, while at the same time expect you to be having a whale of a time.

So I’ll get to the point. I’m not having a whale of a time. I’m really struggling out here. It’s tough. It’s really really, really really tough. Culture shock/isolation/homesickness has slowly sunk in deep. My anxiety has been rising to almost panic attack levels at some points. And I feel disappointed that it’s not working out for me. It’s disappointing and frustrating.

So my actual job, when I teach, and the kids are enjoying it, its fun. I can be pretending to play a broken recorder one minute, playing musical chairs another, and acting as a conductor to a 30 strong chorus of kids learning how to tell the difference between “I can/I can’t” the next.

However I am only teaching an average of 4 lessons a day. That’s 45mins x 4 = 3hrs. The rest of the time is the problem in my 8hr shift. I sit in the staff room, isolated due to language barriers, listening to other staff chatting, which after an hour or so gets really overwhelming, so I’ll take a walk round and have a breather for 5/10 mins. Then back to my desk (no internet btw, so limited lesson planning). At breaks I try get out with the kids and have fun, that I enjoy, but despite having say, a 30 min break, it’s so regimented that only like 10 mins will be “free play time” where the rest will be stuff like cleaning, productive skills etc.

At the end of the day, the silence begins.  I drive half an hour home, get some food on, eat, shower, and sit lesson planning till about 7.30pm. Then once I feel ready for tomorrow, I’ll maybe walk to the shops and get some essentials or watch TV. Then read and sleep. Repeat x 5.

For some reason I’ve started to get really bad anxiety in the mornings before heading off to work. I’ll feel like I can’t do the lessons, that something awful is going to happen, and it takes a huge effort to step out the door. Once I get to work and settle in it tends to fade. Same goes for heading out to the shops. I get stared out (it’s rural and I am a rare sight), so often I try go at night, as when I’m anxious the stares can make me feel paranoid and claustrophobic.

Joining clubs, or doing stuff locally is impeded my my lack of Japanese language skills. People can welcome trying to chat to a foreigner at first, like the novelty you are, but after a while it grows old, and is too awkward and hard. I’m also more an introvert in personality type, so pushing myself out into peoples space and forcing them to be friends with me is really not my style.

There are very few people here doing the same job, and half are on different schedules making it very hard to meet up with them. I try to get out at the weekends, see stuff around me. Some of it is awesome, there is a great beach nearby, hill tops with great views. But I don’t feel part of it. I feel outside of it all, living here, yet not being home.

OK,  I sound moany and shit, but this blog is a release. I have not written on this blog much since I’ve been here. I think of things I wanna talk about, then my emotions change so quick I decide maybe its best not too. It’s hard to admit when you make a major decision that it’s not working out. You feel people will see you as naive in your original decision, not understanding what it was going to be like. I knew it was going to be tough, I suppose though I underestimated just how tough the long term effects of lack of meaningful conversation/relationships would be. You know people want to think of you as happy and enjoying it, and GDI! you want that too! But at least letting people know  means shit does not get bottled up, making you like a pressure cooker.

I’m 100% glad I came here. I have been able to find out so much about what i’m capable of. But I feel long term living here is not for me. This is not my calling, it’s a stepping stone, an important one.

That’s it for now, I kinda wanna write a bit more regularly, cause writing this Ive realized how nice it is to just spill the words from my brain! Hope you are well 🙂



Transman in Japan


I have now been in Japan for 7 weeks, and have been in my job here for 3 weeks. I have finally come round to this blog again to give an update.

These past 7 weeks have been crazy really. I’ve done stuff I never thought I would ever do, EVER. My emotions have switched and flipped and rollercoaster’d all over the place from hour to hour, day to day. I have gone from:

  1. Hating presentations so much as a kid it would make me phyically sick, and I would find it hard to leave the house.
  2. To singing a stupid song with actions for a group of adults at training, trying to get them to join in.
  3. To standing in front of 30 10 y/o’s in a Japanese public school and encouraging them to sing the ABC song with actions.

How has my trans identitiy coped with all the changes? Well, lets break it down.


I travelled with needles, syringes, Nebido and Prostap in my carry on bag. They were all neatly together in a zip bag with documents and leaflets.  This was nerve wracking. Highest security was in the UK whilst leaving. I informed the customs lady at security check area I had medication that was liquid and not in a clear case ( I did not mention the needles). Thankfully, in the packed room she did not ask me what it was, just told me to put it through the scanner and if they wanted to ask more they would pull me aside.

They asked no questions. I was glad because I also did not want a bag search as I had a STP hanging around in there.  I did get beeped though going through the X-ray body scanner and got a pat down. I was not packing. Nothing was mentioned. First step OK.

I found all the airports had plenty of toliet cubicle facilities so this was no problem. Abu Dhabi I had to go though security again despite staying in the same terminal for the transfer. I was particularly concerned at this airport because of the country’s reputation for treatment of transgender people. How would they take a load of needles, steroids, and an STP?

This check was more lax though. It was busy, and I started to take out liquids from my bag (shampoo etc) only to be told by a harried security just to leave everything in the bag. No body pat down, no bag questions. Another sigh of relief.

On the plane to Narita I had to fill in a declaration form about bring in prohibited or restricted items. The form was ambiguous in it’s wording and I used this to my advantage. Basically I had already declared to Japan I was bringing in drugs and needles, and I had a certificate from them. Therefore, what I had was not “not allowed”. I did not check the box.

At Narita I was slow coming out due to having to wait 45 mins to get a residence card. I was bricking it about this, last time I had come to Japan and got finger prints done I was down as “female” and using my old name. Would my prints now flash up with a “WARNING” sign?….. nope. I was so shocked and nervous when she handed me the documents I was shaking like a leaf.

Finally the customs/bag check area, I grappled with all my bags and documents and stumbled over to one of the desks, dumping a load down and handing over what he needed. Internally wishing to hell to pass on a bag check which I saw several other foreigners going through at the desks around me. Would I get in trouble for a non-declaration? All I was asked was what I was doing, and where. He then looked at me for 5 seconds, as if deciding, before letting me on my way. Wooooooo!!!!!!

What I took from all this? Travelling with transgender medication is doable, but nerve wracking. If I could, I would avoid Abu Dhabi, it just happened to be the cheapest flight. Having all the documention in order is a must to stay sane and fight the nerves. Otherwise, facilities are fine.

General trans life in Japan

Every so often a transgener topic pops up here, like a transman polititian or a transwoman celebrity. Japan seems more focused on working on it’s lesbian/gay acceptance atm. Different areas are deciding on legislation to allow marriage, adoption etc. At work I would not feel comfortable telling people I am transgender. Especially with the language barrier and not being able to answer any questions they had it would just be awkward. Plus I go to 4 schools and therefore have abount 30 teachers I regularly work with – I think it’s going to be hard to get to know any of them enough to feel I want to tell them. Bathroom facilities at school – well often there is one cubicle and thats it. As I don’t teach every lesson however, there is plenty of times when it’s free (and also a great place to go and check my phone messages).

I find Japan surprisingly a very male – female gendered society, although this may be different in the big cities – I am in the countryside, and things are quite traditional. Woman and men stay pretty seperate, woman seem 100% to be expected to be raising the kids, often while working a part time job or even full time. Saying that, I am very much on the periphery of society, so I don’t know the real emotions and feelings of the majority here. Maybe my “outsider” view is distorted.

I have avoided one invitation to a onsen – and will continue to do so. I will tackle beach/swimming stuff when I come to it if need be.

If anyone has any questions on other trans stuff in Japan feel free to message me 🙂 . For now it’s Golden Week and I have a few days off. Atm though, i’m lesson planning!



Trans anxiety – priority shift

Why am I not crazy worried about new job abroad currently? Short answer: basically, all the hassle you go through as a trans person makes you forget/sideline the other stuff that non-trans people are fretting about.

Take me preparing to live abroad in a couple of day’s time. My main concerns are:

  • Taking my meds and needles in cabin bag
  • Taking an STP through security and customs at airport
  • Sharing a room with an unknown cis-guy for a week
  • Bathroom situation abroad

These are things that i’m researching as much as possible, and getting prepped for. I get highly organised, I anticipate snags and print out evidence and back-ups. I find out my rights and try find trans people who have been in simular situations.  It makes me take a step back from the other “common” stuff to worry about when doing something major and I think:

well, tbh, as long as I can get the trans stuff sorted, I can deal with anything else

Setting up internet abroad? Finding the nearest supermarket? Setting up a bank account? Ordering dinner in a different language? Fine. I’ll do it somehow. It might be messy, it might not all go right. But I’m so used to having to deal with hidden surprises (thanks to all the complications of being trans) that it take A LOT to phase me now.

It’s not to say I don’t have nerves and stuff, it’s just…I can’t focus on everything at once, so I have a good distraction – a puzzle to solve as long as I am organised and logical about it all.

I’m having fun trying to pack.

Check luggage: I want to pack about 30kg.. I have 23kg.

Hand Luggage: I want to pack about 10kg..I have 7kg (with 2kg of that taken up by meds)

I am utilising pockets like nobody’s business. I look like gadget boy trying to shoplift.

Gadget boy

Had to visit the nurse briefly yesterday cause got freaked out by a load of goo coming from a stitch area on my chest whilst changing the micropore tape. I mean A LOT of stuff came out and left a small hole. Naturally I was concerned about an infection or something, but nurse reassured me it’s fine. Reminded me though that I still gotta be careful with my nips, even 2 months after surgery.

Anyway, so it comes to the end of an era for this blog. No more weekly’s. I’ll get the odd post in when I can and see how it goes. Hopfully this is not the end, just a shift in schedules.  **waves**!! 🙂




What do I feel?

Am I…..

  • Excited
  • Nervous
  • Frightened
  • Hopeful
  • Happy
  • Trepidatious
  • Sick

I could try cover it all with the word “emotional” but the thing is, I think my head is too confused about what it feels so I don’t (yet) have strong emotions running around. I don’t have the brain power to even get close to envisaging what my life might be like in 3 weeks time. Different.

I’m trying not to sweat the trans stuff. I’m going to read situations as they come, and tell people i’m trans if I feel comfortable doing it. Tbh, where I feel I can, I want to let people know, because I feel it’s part of my identity, and not saying can feel a bit like holding back. It can make me more nervous, because I hate the idea of them finding out accidentally in a way out of my control… I think that’s more awkward to deal with.

Saw the GP who has helped me loads in the past few years with sorting out transitioning and other stuff, and they gave me a nice boost, reminding me that these days, people are likley to be pretty blasé about the whole trans thing. No more appointments for anything before I leave now..ekkk.

My last normal blog will be next week, after that it will be spaced out and a bit random i’m afraid. I will be starting my journey and dealing with LOTS of stuff. I hope I will continue to post here, if just so there is another blog out there showing trans people that it is possible to travel and do what you wanna do… (well, hopfully I will feel this after living abroad for a while). I mean ofc i’m not going to rock up to Saudi and go round telling people i’m trans etc…but some stuff that seems like it might be too complicated, well, it’s all to do with mindset and accepting that there WILL be extra hurdles to jump, and that’s OK, it can be done.

And a quick thank you  to nath1809jones for nominating me for the Liebster Award :-). Currently too busy to write and pass on award but hopfully in the coming months will do!

Now, back to trying to make 26kg of luggage magically become 23kg….